BRO, BLAME ANNA DANIELS FOR WHAT HAPPENS HERE! (repost)

“Who the fuck is this scrub?”

Max Kael? says with a smirk, elbowing the Herald who stood next to him. Surprisingly the Herald didn’t answer. He had a nervous expression on his face, frozen in uncertainty.

Mina steps forward.

“Max Kael? allow me to introduce you to Sutler Re-”

BANG

Kael’s head snaps back as bits of his head splatter on the oak panel wall behind him. He still has the grin on his face as his body falls limply to the ground.

“..oh shit..” the Herald squeaks realizing he has little bits of the back of Max’s head on his Herald outfit. This causes him to start screaming, trying to wipe away the blood and gristle.

“You IDIOT! We needed him!” Mina Starr-Kael snarls staring down at the body, blood pooling around his head on the floor. The Herald is still screaming in horror as he slips in the pool of blood. He crashes down into the growing crimson murk expanding from the cavity in the back of Max’s head.

“I did it..”

Sutler’s voice is shaky as he steps forward holding the literal smoking gun in his hand. At first his expression is one of shock tousled with fear. As it becomes plain Max is dead, joy takes hold. The kind of unbridled joy you get from finally killing your abuser.

“I fucking DID IT!”

The Son of Max Kael’s unbridled joy passes as he crumbles down to his knees, dropping the gun to the side.

“..I fucking did it..”

The SRK’s eyes fill with tears. He buries his face in his hands screaming in anguish. Sulter's sobs join the Herald’s panicked screams. Mina remains quiet as she turns away from the body, her eye pinched shut as she tried to drown out all the noise.

What a terrible way to start the day, am I right?

-

“Where is Max?”

Violent Purple asked herself as she wandered around the WON ACTION NEWS TEAM NEWS set. He was late to film his promo against Eddie Cross for Colossus. She digs her phone out preparing a text to Max.

“He’d better have a good excuse. I'm going to stamp his dick into a flatworm.” Purple huffs as she hits send.

…ding..

Her ears perk up as she hears the faint sound of a text alert. Suspicious, Violet fires off another text..

…ding..

The sound was coming from the anchor desk. Her green eyes flash emerald with the heat of annoyance. Kneeling down she scans the underside of the news desk and spots the source of the sound.

Max Kael’s phone is stuck to the bottom of the desk with blue tape covered in strange symbols. Violent’s hand wraps around the phone before she rips it free with a grunt. Standing back up she examines the masking tape.

“These aren’t symbols..” she says with disgust. Staring back up were hundreds of cheerful, smug little faces.

“..where the fuck is the HERALD!?”

-

“HE’S DEEEAAAD!”

The Sub-Marquis’s wail cuts through the air. By now the blood on his once pristine baby blue herald tunic had turned a ruddy brown. A few feet away the stone cold body remained exactly as it had fallen.

“I can’t believe I just killed someone..” a sickened Sutler Reynolds-Kael shuttered out. He looked like he was ready to throw up, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead. “..I can’t believe I killed… him..”

Seated behind a desk staring out the window was Mina Starr-Kael, cold and cruel. She had put ear plugs in to drown out the maddening noise. Instead of mourning the passing of Max she was enjoying a cigarette debating her future.

She is startled when she feels a hand touching her shoulder. Turning her head she saw Sutler staring in horror. Quirking her brow Mina pulls one of the plugs realizing there was no longer a cacophony of noise.

She heard something else. Something pleasant. The playful strumming of a ukulele. Confused, she shifts to look at what had Sutler's attention.

And wouldn’t you know it, it was her turn to look absolutely fucking stupefied.

Seated on the floor was.. a Max. Not Max Kael? No, but it was a Max. Staring up at Mina with a glowing yellow left eye was Max Shell. He wears a friendly smile on his face while he eerily plays his ukulele with surprising skill. He wears eGG Bandits gear circa 2020.

“..HE’S ALIVE!”

The Herald begins to dance while Sutler and Mina share a confused glance.

“Jesus Christ, we can see that!” Sutler screams back at the Herald.

“What the fuck just happened?” the one eyed Mina snarls.

Max Shell is quick to raise his hand with an eager grin. Mina sighs, rolling her eye.

“Yes, Max.”

“Max Kael? has the original Maximillian Wilhelm Kael as part of his baseline genetic code. That means ALL of us Max’s are in here, including our abilities. A few months ago Max Kael? defeated Anna Daniels, a Time Lord. Doing so activated the Gimmick Absorption Gene, absorbing something from her. Unfortunately our boi, Max Kael?, is still a little baby.” Max Shell explains while continuing to strumming on his ukulele.

“Lucky for us he picked up Time Lord regeneration, thirteen whole lives! Every time we die a new one of us pops in. So here I am, the Second Max of this PRIME Universe.” Shell says with a twinkle in his one good blue eye. He winks, or maybe just blinks, at Mina Starr-Kael.

“But I saw you in the eGG Bandits Lumberjack Match! How does that work?” Sutler demands to know.

The eGG Bandit looks at Sutler, caught up in the question. It was a good one, a real good question, the kind that would stump most people.

Max Shell was no different. He shrugs and strums the strings for dramatic effect.

“Ya got me, I have no idea. Probably magic.” Shell says apologetically turning his attention back to Mina. “We all remember you. You got out and left rest of us to die on Alcatraz. Real shitty of you. Don’t worry your pretty little head though, Giggles, we’ve had a lot of time to plan. We’ve had a lot of time to plan since Kael? woke up.”

“Max couldn't plan falling on the ground. I got out because I’m the one with the plans. You’re just Max Shell, you’re a joke, you were Max’s desperate desire to be accepted by everyone, a pathetic scab.” she hisses back at Shell.

“You always were a mean little bitch. But I’m the smartest Kael so you can go ahea-”

BANG

Before Shell can finish a bullet passes through his forehead and out the back of his head. Once again spreading gore against the oak panel wall. Shell’s body collapses back to the floor as Sutler and the Herald stare at the smoking gun in Mina’s hand.

“I’m the smartest Kael.”

Mina drops the gun back off at her desk before she looks back toward Shell’s body.

“I’m not in there. So far we’ve gone through Max Kael? and Max Shell. That leaves..” She pauses as she counts up the different variants of Max Kael she could think of. “Maybe seven Max personalities before he’s forced to cycle back through to Max Kael?. So we just keep killing him until we get Max Kael? back.”

“What if we go through all thirteen regenerations without hitting Max Kael??” the son of Max Kael asks. Poor Sutler couldn’t track what the fuck was going on here. Time Lords? Gimmick Absorption? Regenerations? Why was nothing that involved his father simple or rational?

Lots of questions in that young man’s head.

“Dude, Bentley, give me your goddamn phone! Are you posting on social media about this!?” Sutler scolds as he catches the Herald attempting to take a selfie with the body.

“...no..”

Bentley scrambles away from the corpse as Sutler chases after the young whippersnapper. The sound of the Herald being tackled to the ground and the clattering of the phone echoes off in the distance.

Mina begins to circle Shell’s body like a vulture, a sickening smile spreading across her face.

“What if we go through all thirteen regenerations and don’t find Max Kael?” Mina repeats the question Sutler asked earlier though rotten teeth and black lips.

“Then we will have gotten to kill Max thirteen times today.”

-

“You’re certain that it wasn’t that little cretin, Eddie Cross?”

Ulsa N. Couth askes for the seventh time since departing to find Max Kael? and that rapscallion, the Herald.

“No, it was definitely that little turd, Farthington-Primrose. We never should have allowed Max into talking us into letting that shit hang around.” Violent says with a pang of regret but mostly anger. “The tape had his face on it for fucks sake.”

U.N.Couth shrugs, unconvinced.

“That little fart, Eddie Cross, he could have just as easily made that tape to throw us off! I don’t trust him, I don’t trust anyone that would idolize anyone who spends all their time laying in bed.”

The indignation in Couth’s voice was like meeting Bobby Dean in an airplane bathroom. Unavoidable. Despite the evidence provided by Violent Purple, U.N.Couth didn’t trust Eddie Cross at all.

“They’re up in Arkham, I tracked the little shits phone. I booked us a flight, we’ll be there in three hours. Then we’ll make that little fucking weirdo pay. I’ve been dreaming about cracking his head with my fist since Max dragged him into our lives.” Purple sneers with a fire in her voice as red as her hair.

“He’s related to Farthington. You think those Glue fuckwits have something to do with this?” the old hag croaks.

“That thought had passed through my head. I thought we were riding far enough below their radar. My intel told me that Cecilworth is off put by Max, I was hoping that means he would avoid him until forced to.” the younger woman admits, a frown on her face. Farthington was a dangerous man, both in and outside the ring. He was someone who had the resources to pull this off.

“Could also be Timo Bolamba, trying to help his son out. He’s on Jabber right now looking for the useless tit.” Ulsa muses as she pulls a cigar from her pocket.

“Nah, you think Timo would talk to the Herald? Fuckin’ doubtful.” Violent replies before noticing her Couth with the cigar in her hand. “Auntie, come on. You know what the doctor said.”

“And I don’t fucking care. Be it six months or six years, I’m dead. So let me god damn enjoy what the fuck I want.” Couth snaps aggressively while jabbing a knobby finger at Violent.

Purple sighs but doesn’t fight her aunt any further.

“Fine but if you’re going to smoke it, roll down the window.”

-

“So you have customized duct tape?”

“Yup! You thought I’d be walking around with that gouache poors silver duct tape? Ha!” the Herald proclaims cheerfully.

“Learn something new every day.” Sutler replies as he finishes taping the corpse of Max Shell to a chair with duct tape sporting the Herald’s sardonic face. Once he finishes Sutler and the Herald step away from the body, unsure when or if Max would regenerate.

“How long does it take for him to regenerate?” the Sub-Marquis curiously pipes up.

“Let’s hope Shell was right and he actually got thirteen.” the SRK says making a point that Mina had already considered.

“That would be disappointing.” the self proclaimed smartest Kael says. She circles the body like a shark stalking a wounded animal lost at sea.

And then it begins. It starts in his hands, a pulsing vibrant green energy flickering over his cold dead flesh. The energy begins to spread across his face before spilling out over his clothes. His body is covered in this pulsing green energy, completely obscuring the it from view. Sutler and the Herald must shield their eyes from the blistering green light. Mina stands defiant, her singular disquieting blue eye staring into the chaotic green flame.

And then it’s over.

The flames die and as they disappear they reveal a completely changed Max. He’s bald and sporting an eyepatch. He’s got on three polo shirts, each with the collar popped, while a pair of khakis and Nikes complete the look.

Mina sighs in disgust.

“Max Best.”

“You best fuckin’ believe, bitch.” Max Best snorts through a chuckle. He looks down at his body, the regeneration energy having burned the duct tape but not destroyed it. “Well this isn’t very convenient.”

“It’s really good duct tape!” the Herald announces proudly.

“You’re as annoying a shit as I was expecting you to be, Bentley. Now go fuck off over there while the adults are talk.” the unpleasant, bald Max snarls before flipping the Sub-Marquis off. He turns his attention toward Mina with a curled lip. “How ya been, Minster?”

When this Max smiles, gold teeth line his upper and lower jaw. Mina clicks her tongue in a soft tut-tut.

“I go by Mina now. Mina Starr-Kael, darling.”

Best lets out a sickening laugh. The kind of laugh designed to hurt, the kind of laugh the cruel save for the suffering of the weak. The bullying laugh that feels like a derogatory word even though none is spoken.

“MINA STARR-KAEL? What a fucking laugh riot. You think you’re so fucking smart but you know what? We got out, just like you, but with a shiny new body. We’re cooking up all kinds of plans in there, once we get this kid’s head cleaned up of the Farthington Madness. We’re coming back in a big, BIG way!” the words flow past the golden teeth. “But while I’m at the wheel.. Why don’t you cut me loose so I can’t go on back to Chicago. I’m sure my dad will be happy to have his favorite son ba-”

BANG

Max Best’s head snaps back as his brains get plastered against the oak panel wall along with Max Kael? and Max Shell’s. Both Mina and Sutler stare at the body in surprise then turn to see the Herald laying on the floor. He has the smoking gun clutched in both hands, the recoil having sent him tumbling to the ground.

“..you two got to kill one so.. You know.”

Sutler sighs before heading out of the room.

“I’ll get a mop.”

-

Four more tries in and now the three of them were staring at the ruined mess of what was Wilhelm Maximillian Kael’s face. That Max’s mind had been tricked into believing he was actually his father, Wilhelm Kael.

Unfortunately for him they had run out of bullets on the last Max, Hobo King Max Kael. So Sutler had to pistol-whip Wilhelm to death, a brutal process that took longer than anyone in the room had anticipated.

In reflection Sutler had to admit to himself that killing both his father and kind of a version of his grandfather had not been as gratifying as he had hoped. In fact, despite his best effort, there was no helping what was about to happen.

Turning to the side, Sutler emptied the contents of his stomach onto the floor. Thankfully there was a mop nearby to tidy up once he was done voiding his gut.

“We should probably strangle the next one.” the one eyed woman muses as he regards Sutler with a look of disgust. “Bentley, do you feel up for strangling someone to death?”

“Mummy told me that I strangled my twin with his own umbilical cord while still in the womb but I don’t recall doing that.” the Herald says as he taps his chin in thought. He looks down at his hands making strangulation motions as though testing his strangle strength. “I could try!”

Suddenly the chair with the corpse strapped to it explodes into a green flame. The previous regenerations had left burns on the chair and tape. Now the flames consumes the body, chair and all, threatening to spread further.

The intensity of the fire grows so that even Mina must shield her eyes. She slinks backward like a shadow burned away by daylight, driven behind the desk. Both the Herald and Sutler take find shelter with Mina, fearful of what is to come.

Unexpectedly the door to the room bursts open!

Enter Player Two.

Violent Purple charges in but immediately stops, blinded by the green fire. Unsure what the shit was happening she beats a hasty retreat back out the door.

“What the FUCK is going on in here!?” Violent screams from the other side of the threshold.

“He’s regenerating!” the Herald screams over the sound of the green regeneration energy exploding.

“WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!?”

Before the Herald can answer a strange stillness falls over everything. All noise vanishes leaving a vacancy of sound. The flames in the room vanish, sucked in a single point of white light. It pulses, growing larger, taking shape until..

The light fades and the sound floods back into the room, no longer held at bay.

Mina, Sutler and the Herald creep out from behind the desk, staring at the charred room. The oak wood panels were smoldering and scorched. From the doorway Violent Purple peaks in with a bewildered expression. Standing over the smoking embers of the chair stood a grinning figure.

Not Max Kael?.

But also no Max that had come before.

Something..

..New..

-

“Eddie Cross. My brosive, Eddie Cross.”

The voice of Max crawls out of the darkness like a cryptid hanging out of view.

“Our hero, Eddie Cross. Out to save us from the bad guys, VP and Ulsa. Handsome, strapping Samoan gamer! So hip. If only you were successful. Let me share my truth, Bro.”

The word Bro has a grit to it, a mocking bite to it.

“Your daddy is rich and head referee for PRIME. He’s so well off someone can steal a jet from him and he’s rolls with it. He’s a legend and he wears face paint. How the fuck do you expect to ever be better than that? Fathers. God, don’t you just hate’em? Hmm-heh.mmm..heh..”

In the dark a glowing red light flickers to life. It bobs up and down slowly pacing as though it were stalking through the shadows like a caged tiger.

“I don’t blame you for being such a try hard. It's hard to survive out there anymore. And there is so much on your plate specifically, brubuh. Dying mentor. Inescapable shadow of your father. Trying to help your friends out. L̴͇̓̏̒̒̈́̈́̏͋̊ove.”

When he says love there is a particular disgust. A stank on his tongue, as though he had to expel the word from the deepest, most rotten corner of his stomach. The sound of Max spitting followed by the wet, slapping splatter of his phlegm hitting the floor.

“Let me tell you about love, Eddie. It’s pain. It’s suffering. It’s sacrifice. My problem is love too much, burns up in my chest, makes me CRAZY. I reserve my love for my best frenemies, people I enjoy going to war with.”

There is a sigh from the darkness.

“I never wanted to go see Dave. I never wanted to stalk Ava. I never wanted to face you at Colossus. You’re Eddie Cross after all.”

The floating red orb flickers then disappears into the shadowy murk.

BANG

Power flows back into the lights of the WON ACTION NEWS TEAM stage. Seated behind the news stage desk was Max in a black three piece suit. His greasy, curly black hair combed back and he wears a wide grin, pearly white teeth glimmering in the light. His in the glint of his eye was different.

Hungry.

“You’re just.. Eddie Cross. You’re not part of my plan. I don’t want to waste any more time than I need to on you, Eddie, because I’ve got much bigger fish to fry. That doesn’t mean I’m writing you off, Cross. No, I’m running over you. At Colossus you’re not facing Max Kael?, bro, ..heh-heh..”

A green shimmer flashes across his eyes as he straightens his tie as he winks, not blinks, toward the camera.

“I’m Ma̸̛͈͆̇͆́̊͗͋ximillian Wilḩ̷̡̨̧̱̰̫͉̻͇̪͔̹͙̹̲͇̝̱̬̬̻̥͖͍͇̺̈̽̅͆̄͐͆̄͊̒͜͜͠elm K̸̨̧̧̢̧̧̧̨̛̛͓̳̮̟̟͇̥͕̹̜̱̹̲͙̬̺̗̜̞͕͈̯̖̙̙͎͎͍̦̖͓̙̬̥͍̮̭̮̮̹͈͎͇̩̪̫̻̲͍̗̱͎͍̘̫̯̻̖̩̦͕͒̒̐̿͒̐̊̀̾̈́̒̈́́̉̅͑̀͌̄̎͗̊̿͑̒̓̾͂̎̈́̿͋͘̕̕̚̕͘͜͝͝͠͝͝ͅͅͅael. Stay PRIMAL-al.”

BANG