A JENTLEMEN’S JUIDE TO JOLF: A Winning Glueminati Culture Shock Manhunt Strategy (for Winners)

A JENTLEMEN’S JUIDE TO JOLF A Winning Glueminati Culture Shock Manhunt Strategy (for Winners) by Joe Fontaine *.* Introduction Hail and well met, o weary traveler! ‘Tis I, Joe Fontaine, typing like a normal and professional person by way of dictating to Fabby what I want: verbatim!

You’re probably sitting here and wondering what this whole “jolf” business is and why it is important to your good friend and maybe your best friend, Joe Fontaine! Rest assured, all will be explained in this good, good pamphlet!

Jolf has a long and storied history, dating back to the halcyon year of 2024. Wow, what a time! We had a different president, a bunch of insufferable people were carrying around belts for forever (especially Avalon), and Blake was still my favorite Colton! (you know, before he died)

There, a young and handsome man proposed a daring and bold game: Let’s take the game of golf, make all of the clubs steel chairs, and forge all of them with the explicit purpose of murdering Coral Avalon! Everyone loved it, we made some beautiful memories together, we all had a great time, and then Max Kael murdered me and I was a ghost for a while! Nobody had a good time after that! Do you know how hard it is to work Jabber without a corporeal form? Not easy! There’s a lot of poltergeisting going on. That’s a word, right, Fabby? I’m gonna say that it is.

But after so many months away, I have returned with daring new jolf clubs and plays that will make your head spin! I’m ready to show everyone that I, Joe Fontaine, am ready to support all of my Glue friends in and out of the ring!

After all, Glue friends stick together! *.* Equipment Perhaps you are now wondering, what sort of equipment do you need to play this most splendid of games? Worry not, o craftsman, craftswomen, and non-craftsbinary people of sporting events! I, Joe Fontaine, will provide you with an itemized list of all of the standard jolfing equipment that you will be handling on the field!

First of all, you’re going to need a Fabby or a Fabby-like creature. I know, I know, it’s hard to find a good Fabby these days. Actually, that’s a lie, there’s no such thing as a “good Fabby”. You are writing this down verbatim, right Fabby? Okay, good. I would simply hate for you to try and editorialize me.

Anyhoodle.

You will need a Fabby-like creature because these jolf clubs aren’t going to carry themselves, and any real player of the game wouldn’t dream of carrying them! So get out your Fabbys, your Alexei Ruslans, your Poms Shinjoku, or your Busters Glove because you need a real dimwit to carry more than a dozen beautiful, hand-crafted jolf clubs!

What are jolf clubs? They’re these lovely little tools to take your jolf game to the next level! Each one has been specially chosen (and forged!) by yours truly, Joe Fontaine, for your jolfing pleasure!

Fabby, is auto-correct trying to turn “jolf” into “golf”? Turn that shit off. Jesus Christ. I know “jolf” is short for “Joe’s Golf”, but we either call this by the proper name that I have given it or I swear to God I’m going to introduce you to the 9-iron.

Speaking of! You’re going to need your 9-iron. It’s the tried and true, the butter to the jolf ball’s bread, just a good, old-fashioned steel chair with all of the weight and swinging quality you all know and love! Lots of people use 9-irons in professional wrestling as well as super professional jolf, which is the only kind of jolf there is! Anyone in Manhunt will be right to fear these bad boys, because one good swing from yaboi will send that jolf ball a-flyin’!

Of course, the 9-iron is kind of the boring choice. It’s your mom’s favorite jolf club. I should know. I had lunch with her once and we had a lovely time and we talked about jolf. Apparently, Cancer Jiles is her favorite wrestler, and that’s really unfortunate for you and all of her cribbage friends.

Next, the 8-iron. It’s like the 9-iron, except lighter! We built that thing out of lightweight metal for faster swings! Sometimes, in the heat of a quality jame of jolf, you need that quick swing! Sure, it might not do much against the walking Sherman tanks of the pro wrestling world, but we only really have two of those in PRIME and their knees are made out of gelatin and unicorn wishes, so I think it’ll be fine.

The 8-iron is like training wheels for those of you who haven’t quite perfected your jolf swing yet with the bigger, badder seating. I know there’s a few of you out there who are jolf-curious! Rest assured, there’s no better starting point for jolf than the 8-iron!

So, the 7-iron. I’m really hoping Anna Daniels doesn’t confiscate this one from me, because I got this thing built out of some sort of alien material I found in my dad’s backyard and I think it screams at Fabby a lot. Well, I think it’s an alien material, and I really don’t think it appreciated me gathering all of it up and melting it down and reforging it into a steel chair form. But hey, no good 7-iron comes without screaming, am I right?

And whispering. And the weird voices you hear later at night when you leave the jolf bag in your hotel room. You know, the ones that compel you to kill everyone and everything and scatter their bones around the room all in the name of jolf. Those ones. Fabby, I can see your hands quivering, stop that this instant.

Next, the 6-iron. So, have you ever tried gluing a bunch of thumbtacks to a steel chair? It’s tedious work. A lot of care goes into that sort of thing, so you want to make sure that it has that special somebody’s name written on it, especially if you started this whole jolf thing to murder one man in particular before that man you meant to murder goes away because, I don’t know, family or some bullshit like that. What I’m saying is that the 6-iron is going to make somebody bleed a lot, but Jesus Christ, I never thought it’d be so hard to get somebody’s name off of a thumbtack-laden piece of furniture before.

It still says Avalon on it! I tried everything to get it off, what the hell did I write this with?

Anyhoodle.

I won’t be talking about the 5-iron or 4-iron yet. It’s definitely because I don’t have any ideas or anything. Sometimes, ideas that are too good are best not talked about until they actually happen! That’s just known science. I consulted a mathematician and everything and don’t give me that look, Fabby, holy shit, of course I talked to a guy who knows a math or two! And you’d better still be writing everything I’m saying, or I’m going to invent the 4-iron with your face! Yeah!

Now, you might be wondering what twisted mind came up with the 3-iron. You see, I have three lovely little sisters, and I think they might be the only people I actually care about that aren’t Glue friends. Sorry. I’m trying! It’s just hard to find time to care about anyone who works in PRIME after you go through the whole “being dead” thing and you’re trying to invent jolf clubs from beyond the grave, you know? Anyhoodle, the littlest of my sisters (who is like 18 so I can’t really call her “little” any more, she’ll kick my shins) used to have this dollhouse. It was pretty cute, very pink. Just like her, really. She dyed her hair pink recently and that’s pretty cool and definitely not Rainbow Mafia of her. Anyway, one of the things in that dollhouse is this tiny steel chair for her Barbie, and I was like “this would be great for jolf!”

So, if you somehow read this, Phoebe, it was definitely Fabby’s fault that your doll’s chair became a vector for barbed wire and I had nothing to do with it. Also, you’re about to get out of high school! That’s great!

Please please please tell me you still don’t have that crush on Sid.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. The 3-iron’s pretty great for when you want some precision jolfing, but you don’t want to punch anything like a Cecilworth or anything. Not that there’s anything wrong with the way Cecilworth does things, but Cecilworth does things elegantly and you - dear reader and dear Fabby - definitely do not.

Next up.

Not all jolf clubs are built alike, and when it comes to the 2-iron - the favorite of my buddy and yours, Cecilworth Farthington - there is no other jolf club like it. Do you have any idea how much trouble I had to go through to make a set of brass knuckles with chair insignias like these? It’s not like you can roll up to any ‘ol blacksmith and be like, “Yo, mang, what’s up, I like the cut of yo’ jib, build me some knuckles worthy of jolf! Unlike Sonic, they don’t chuckle!”

First of all, don’t invoke Sonic Adventure around blacksmiths, they get real ornery about that shit. Definitely don’t talk to them about your Sonic OC, either, you don’t want to scratch off “chased around a forge by a blacksmith holding a hammer” from your bingo card. Not that this has ever happened to me, so don’t ask why I have this specific anecdote for you or anything.

Now we’re going to get into the woods. Don’t worry, no wolves in these woods, they’ve all been jolfed.

First of all, the 2-wood. It’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood. That’s the most I can say about the 2-wood. It’s a good ‘ol wooden chair, and it’s going to split like a lemon when you crack it over the head of some dumb jolf ball. Don’t give me that look, Fabby, I did that analogy perfectly, you shut up with that silent, judgemental gaze of yours.

You want the 2-wood when you want to make a dramatic and also dramatical statement. People stand up and pay attention when you bring this to the table and you’re not bringing it to the table for sitting, you’re bringing it to the table for jolfing. The only real use of a 2-wood, if you ask me, is jolf. Every tried sitting on a 2-wood? It hurts the ass. My ass be hurt. It’s like being around RIA only it’s wood instead of a fork.

There is no 3-wood. Yet. Much like how there’s not a 4-iron or 5-iron yet. Look, jolf is what you would call a nascent business. We’re literally building the bridge as we cross it, you know? Big business out here in jolfland. Didn’t you see Rumor Mills? A 500% sales increase! That’s big business! The most business.

So, we’ll have to think of a 3-wood together, Fabby. Which is to say that I do all of the thinking and you stand there like some weird masked statue that has no worthwhile brain thoughts whatsoever. You’re writing this all down, right?

And then we have the 4-wood.

When you’re dead, you have time. There are things you do in Denver when you’re dead, and there’s also things you do in Tokyo when you’re dead, and those are the only two places you can do anything when you’re dead. So, I went to a place in Tokyo that sells things in the kitchen and I asked them in a spooky voice if they had any cheese graters, and they told me “yes!” and “how many would you want?” in Japanese and after I consulted Dr. Google, pHD, I responded to the second question with “Yes”.

“Yes” is the correct number of cheese graters you attach to the 4-wood.

“Yes” is the number of cheese graters you need when you have to m̸̮̈u̷̥͆r̷̩̋d̵̺͂e̴̟̊ŗ̶̿ ̷̡͂M̸͝ͅä̶̡x̴͓̕i̴̜̋m̷̨̓ĩ̷͕l̴̠͝i̸͕̅a̵͔̕n̵͕̍ ̴̜́W̵̫̏i̵̝͑ĺ̷͔ḧ̸̯e̶̗͌l̷͍̚m̷̹̈ ̸͙́K̶̥̑a̵̬͠e̸̗͌l̶̺̀ ̷͉͋ẗ̵̹́ö̵̢́ ̷͎̄d̶͙̆e̸̳͗a̷̩̋t̷̙͛h̸̗̎ ̵̜͂w̷̲̚i̶͓̓t̶͔͌ĥ̶͔ ̸͎̂a̷͈͠ ̵̩̿j̵̝̚o̸̜͋l̷̦̔f̵̢͂ ̷̮̊c̶̞͗l̷̤͘u̷͙͘b̵͚͂ play a rousing game of jolf! Hey, Fabby, you caught all of the Zalgo text in what I just said, right? I’m just making sure. I’ll give you a cool website later so you can do all of that.

We’re not done yet, of course. We still have two more clubs to talk about!

The first is the sand wedge. It’s like any steel chair, really. Only, what if we bent the headrest at a 90-degree angle? That’ll really get those jolf balls out from all of that sand you’re inevitably going to be knocking them into! It also works well in getting jolf balls out of trees, Aceldama pits, Daytona Diamonds jizz, and Vickie Hall. Just Vickie Hall.

I think you might actually murder someone if you hit them with the sand wedge, but I haven’t tried that yet. That’s some science we can do together pretty soon! Murder science, for jolf! Which is… not actually murder at all, when you think about it!

And the second, and the last club we’re going to talk about, is the putter.

I don’t know, I ran out of ideas, so I just duct taped a brick to the headrest. Called it a putter. Don’t give me that look, Fabby, this was definitely your idea and I’m pretty disappointed with how inelegant your jolf club looks. I’d go back to the design document if this wasn’t so astronomically effective at jolf, particularly the concussive and murder elements that are so key in any jolf game.

One last thing.

You might be asking, “What is a jolf ball?”

A jolf ball can be anything. If you can hit it with a jolf club, it is a ball. These can be actual balls, or they can be human skulls! Anything is a ball if you believe hard enough.

It’s mostly skulls, though.

You know, for that ostentatious “skull throne” that Brandon Youngblood’s always going on and on and on and on and on about. God!

The skull throne is the worst jolf club. *.* Jolfing Venues You know, jolf is a great sport because unlike its lesser, inferior counterpart played by old rich douchebags who think they’re soooooooo great because they don’t have to play with a handicap or anything and can afford to go to the golf course every day as though everyone is super impressed by your shitty ugly pants and your timeshare… sorry, getting off track.

Jolf is great because you can play it anywhere.

All you really need is a jolf ball and your set of league-approved jolf clubs.

So, for example, you can enjoy a nice, rousing game of jolf while engaging in the most dangerous game, which is the Hunting of Man. And also the Hunting of Woman, since a couple of those are going to be in the Manhunt as well and they’re going to kick a lot of asses in it because there’s no gender roles in PRIME, just pizza rolls.

You could consider the Tokyo Dome and its surrounding area to be one great jolf course, and that’s honestly great when you think about it. Jolf can be enjoyed by a much wider variety of people of all ages and sizes and even regardless of whether you’re on Team Edward or Team Jacob!

You can make jolf happen anywhere with your beliefs and your will and your arsenal of specialty steel chairs carried around by your very own Fabby-like creature!

Just be sure to jolf responsibility. If you jolf too hard, some nice men will put you in the back of their car and talk a lot of rights about someone named Miranda and I don’t know why Miranda gets right or why, she seems like a proper bitch to me. “Right to remain silent”? Right to rearrange your face with the 7-iron, you mean! Am I right?

Fabby, don’t be ridiculous, of course the cops haven’t stopped me from practicing jolf. I jolf responsibly, remember?

Don’t give me that look. *.* Rules Oh. Yes. Rules. Mhm. Yes, verily.

You know, rules are just shackles that prevent you from really enjoying the full majesty of jolf when you think about it.

You know what the best part about jolf is?

The rules are more like guidelines than actual rules, and we don’t have a lot of guidelines, either! So bring your jolf clubs, find yourself some splendid jolf balls, and get a-jolfin’! Scoring is what you believe it to be in your heart!

…No, Fabby, I definitely didn’t spend any time thinking about rules so much as I was thinking about murdering Coral Avalon with a bunch of weird steel chairs I came up with on a whim the moment that dude became a forever Universal Champion. Stop giving me weird looks, it’s distracting me. *.* Conclusion Jolf is a game for gentlemen, that’s why it’s the Glueminati’s official sport! Because we’re not just gentlemen, we’re also jenteel-men! Jenteel-men of jolf, that’s us!

Sure, I came up with this game for the selfish reason of murder, but that doesn’t mean we can’t all enjoy a nice, rousing game between friends! So, I hope everyone that’s going to be hunting guys (and gals and non-binary pals) in the Tokyo Dome has studied this beautiful guide well, because yaboi is gonna be bringing his A-game!

I mean, I have to.

I spent a lot of time being “dead”, after all. Fabby, don’t use quotation marks when I talk about being “dead”, I really was “dead” and I was haunting things and doing poltergeist shit and it’s really demeaning to have you put quotations when I say I was being “dead”.

Okay, now you’re just being a dick, Fabby.

Fine. Whatever.

The point is, I had to spend a lot of time watching all of dumbasses in PRIME run around and do stupid shit like GETTING SURRIOUS and bringing dingos to the ring like they’re people and not dingos and whatever. It’s like you’ve all forgotten about me! What am I, chopped liver? Am I just a joke to all of you because I invented the game of jolf - Joe’s Golf, I remind you - and that makes me some weird product of ridicule?

Get real!

Like me.

I’m the realest motherfucker around.

I’m the guy who’s going to walk into the Tokyo Dome, and I’m going to unalive you all. With jolf clubs. And I’m going to look fabulous when I do it.

And then the name Joe Fontaine will be heard everywhere.

So, buckle up, PRIME.

Yaboi is back.

Bye-bee.