Better Than You Found It

Your dad wasn’t always the easiest person to deal with. The worst of it happened when I was younger and I didn't know how to grapple with what I was feeling. My childhood ended quicker than it should have, so I was angry. I was confused. Sometimes I lashed out at people or picked fights.

I'm not proud of it, but I also don’t regret it. I know, it sounds weird. I think I needed to experience that, because it helped shape me into the person I am. More importantly, it taught me who I want to be. # When I started training to be a professional wrestler, Darren Stracker was the one who conducted all of the classes. He ran the drills. Taught us to defend ourselves. He even made sure to emphasize that despite being a combat sport, there was still an element of showmanship that people expected.

Darren’s father, Walter, kept to his office. He’d come to the United States from his native Germany in the late 40’s. His ring days were long behind him, so he kept busy with handling all of the details that came with owning a business. He had the unique distinction of being universally respected by everyone in that building. He spoke softly and never raised his voice. He never cursed, or talked down to people. He knew everyone’s name. Once you walked through Walter’s door, he treated you like you were a part of his family.

And getting called to his office was like disappointing your grandfather.

“It is turning into a very interesting day.” We sat in his office on opposite sides of the desk, a relic from the gym’s previous life as a candy factory. “Are you hurt?”

I shook my head, but didn’t look up. My face was throbbing, but the bleeding had mostly stopped. Neither was as bad as being up there, in that room, with those eyes trying to figure out what to do with me.

“Well, that is some good news,” he said. “Mister Gabriel looked very angry. I thought we might need to call the zookeeper to bring a tranquilizer.”

It wasn’t a very good joke, but bless him for trying.

‘Mister Gabriel’ was Gabe Simon. Two years my senior, and a huge asshole. We grew up in the same city, went to the same high school. He broke big on the national scene for a hot minute right before my own career started.

“There is something I would like to ask you, if that is okay.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Okay.”

“I know that you are no longer welcome at the Ironworks because-“ He paused to choose his next words carefully. I only realized why on the drive home later that night, when I replayed the conversation back in my head. He was trying not to offend me. “I understand there were some incidents.”

I nodded. The Ironworks was the first school I had enrolled in. Needless to say, it didn’t work out.

“So what I am curious about is this: why are you here?”

Only a few red spots were left on the tissue, so my nose wasn’t broken. A small silver lining considering a second expulsion was hanging over my head.

“Well, I guess it’s like you said. I’m not allowed at the other place.”

Walter shrugged, then placed his hands on the desk and leaned back in his chair. The movement pulled at the sleeves of his shirt, and he took a moment to readjust them. That was one of his quirks. It didn’t matter the weather. It could be freezing or a billion degrees out. Walter’s arms were always covered.

“Yes,” he said. “I suppose this is true, but it is not quite the answer I am looking for. This is a very difficult life you have chosen. You may spend weeks or months at a time away from your family and friends. You may get hurt. Surely, there must be something else you love doing, yes?”

I stuffed the tissue in my pocket.

“I used to be an artist, I guess. Or was trying to be one. I dunno. I used to draw a lot as a kid. Even went to school for it for a while.”

“This makes sense,” he said, and I looked up for the first time since coming into the office. Walter was grinning. “I can tell you have a powerful imagination. Some of the things I have heard you say are quite creative.”

His grin bloomed into a full-blown smile. He was proud of that joke. Damn proud. And in that moment, I could feel my tension ease a little.

“So why choose this life instead?” He asked.

Because the most important person in my life is gone, Walter, and he’s never coming back. Because he said I was his hero “for always and ever”. Because this was his dream, and someone needs to take that baton and run it across the finish line.

And then Walter Stracker became the first person outside of my family that I confessed this to.

“I lost someone when I was younger. My brother. We were twins, and then he got sick, so…”

“I am very sorry. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love, and feeling like there’s nothing you can do to help.”

I was suddenly very aware of a sensation in my right hip, a trick of the mind that pops up when I think about what those last few months were like. It’s the spot where the doctors took bone marrow from me to implant it into Andy. The hope was that it might help kick his body back into gear, and help him fight off the cancer. The reality is that instead he just took a piece of me with him when he passed.

Walter pushed his chair away from the desk and stood. “Come with me for a moment.”

He led me over to a large window, one that overlooked the entire gym. Darren had managed to get the afternoon’s session back under control, but there were plenty of eyes trained up at us, all no doubt wondering what my fate was going to be.

“Do you know why we have that here?” The wall that Walter pointed to was covered with photos, but those weren’t where he wanted me to look. His focus was on the banner that hung above them, the one with the school’s mission statement.

Leave it better than you found it.

Until that day I had taken the sign for granted, assuming it to be a rallying call to clean up after ourselves when we were done for the day.

“I don’t know. I guess I never really thought about it,” I said.

“My family has trained wrestlers for generations. Young people come here because they want to learn this sport, so we do our best to make sure that they are ready to compete. This is the skill that we teach, but it is my hope that when people leave this gymnasium that they are more than just a wrestler. Do you understand?”

“I think so.”

“So many people come through these doors and then go out into the world. They represent our school, yes, but more importantly they represent themselves. Do you see? I can teach you how to wrestle, but it is more important to me that I encourage you to be the best version of yourself.”

“Does this mean you’re not kicking me out?”

“No,” he said, and then he burst into laughter. It filled the office. And judging by a few additional faces aimed in our direction, could be heard on the gym floor below. “No, we will not be doing that today.”

A wave of relief hit me, but it was more than that. There are certain connotations that come with the word “calling” that I would like to try and avoid - religion’s never really been my thing. But I remember feeling a new sense of purpose after that conversation. Walter, whether he realized or not, had just told me I could be everything that my brother thought I was.

I could be the best version of myself. # I keep thinking about how I’m going to explain this all to you, what it is that I do. The easy answer is to say that your dad is an athlete, but it’s actually a lot more complicated. This sport, it’s not like basketball, or soccer, or anything like that. It’s supposed to be about two people getting into the ring to see who’s the best. It's the purest form of competition, even if sometimes it does have big theater kid energy. But it doesn’t always work that way.

Sometimes it’s ugly. Sometimes it gets really messy. I’ve seen people get hurt and have to walk away from it forever. So when the day comes where your mom and I need to explain it all, I imagine you’re going to have a lot of questions. # My first Jewish funeral. It was the most people I’d ever seen in one place at an event like this, all gathered to pay their final respects to Walter and everything he had done. He passed in 2002, and there were so many mourners that the synagogue had to leave its doors open; there was no more room inside.

I was fresh off the plane after Civil War, a National Wrestling Council event that I’d taken part in. I cleaned myself up as best I could, but there’s only so many things a suit can cover for. A bandage over my right eye from where Lance Marshall had thrown me into the cage. A few rolls of tape around my shoulder because when GD West decides he’s going to throw you around, well, that’s exactly what happens.

If there’s a benefit to this many wrestlers congregating in one place, it’s that no one bats an eye when you walk in looking like you've just lost an argument to a bus.

I saw Gabe that day for the first time in years.

He had a brief run in the Council a year or two before I was signed, spending a few weeks in Hawaiian Island Wrestling before walking away from the sport. He never looked back.

The pain from the match meant I didn’t sleep well after the event, and the phone call the following morning meant I hadn’t rested properly in days, so I was leveraging a tree to keep myself upright when Gabe approached.

“This doesn’t feel right,” he said. No introduction. No pleasantries.

“I know what you mean. Darren’s wearing shoes.”

I remember sitting through the service thinking this is all wrong, that Walter can’t be gone. That it had to be a joke, or a cruel prank. It couldn’t be real, there was just no way. Darren was wearing shoes. He never did that. It was always sandals or nothing. In four years I'd never seen him wear anything else. It meant things were different now; that they'd never be the same again.

“How’re you holding up?” Gabe said.

“I’m not sure yet. Right now everything hurts and I haven’t slept in days, so I don’t know that I’ve really been able to process all of this. Probably won’t hit me for another few days. How about you?”

“About as well as you’d expect.”

Gabe’s relationship with the Strackers was a little different than the rest of us. He and Darren had actually worked on the road together for a little while, even spending time in the same faction for a bit.

“You talked to Darren yet?” I said. “I keep meaning to, but I feel like anything I say is just going to sound stupid.”

“Yeah, but he’s gotta be used to that from you by now.”

I couldn’t tell if he was kidding, but I knew I didn’t want to be the reason a fight broke out in the middle of a funeral, so I kept my mouth shut.

“I’m surprised,” he continued, and then nodded in the direction of a group of people about a hundred feet away. “I thought you two would be here together. I remember you used to be close, no?”

He had gestured to where Justine was commiserating with Roderick Frost and Cameron Smart, two wrestlers from the same class she and I had been part of. They moved in different circles professionally were still close friends. I hadn’t seen any of them since the Belmont Classic almost two years before. Cal got Roddy and Cam in the divorce.

“Used to be.”

And now, I just kept my distance so that I wouldn’t step on anyone’s toes, or reopen any old wounds.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay.” I shrugged. Was this the most either of us had said to each other without a punch being thrown? “Heard you and Jamie had a baby.”

“Emma, yeah.” Gabe’s entire face lit up. For nine years I’d known him, and for most of that stretch he was making my life hell. This was the first time I had ever seen him smile like that. “She’s great. About to celebrate her first birthday. Man, I don’t even know how to describe it. It… She’s changed my life, Jared.”

“That’s great. I’m happy for you guys.”

“Thank you. Seriously, I mean it.” He sighed, and then took a step closer. Instinctively, I could feel my posture tighten. Is now when we punch each other, Gabe? “Look, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“What’s up?”

“I owe you an apology. Probably a few, if I really think about it. For high school, and afterwards. Just all of it, really. I was angry all the time, and so I used this as my outlet. It’s not an excuse. Just figured you should know. I'm sorry.”

“In your defense, I did kind of suck when I was younger.” Gabe laughed. You could see his body relax, like he’d been carrying this weight around and finally been able to set it to rest. “I pushed buttons. Said some things that I shouldn’t have. I’m just as much to blame.”

“Man, I never thought we’d be having this conversation.”

“I hear that.”

It got quiet for a bit, that awkward kind of quiet where no one really knows what to say next, or how to end the conversation. At least once I thought Gabe might just turn around and walk away. Had the ground decided to swallow me up right there, I think I would have been okay with it.

“Well,” Gabe said at last. “I should get back to it. Was good to see you, Jared.”

He offered his hand, then headed back to the crowd. Another student of Walter Stracker. A better person off to make his part of the world a little brighter. # This isn’t how I expected to spend my life. I had other dreams when I was little, but I put those away for a while because I thought that being a wrestler was the best way I could honor your uncle. I’m sorry you won’t get to meet him. God, he would have loved you.

There’s beauty in this sport, little one. Even if you can’t always see it in the ring.

For every time this sport has hurt me, it’s also given me joy that I could never imagine.

It’s how I met your mom.

We wouldn’t have you without it. # “Doctor says she’s about fourteen weeks or so. Guess it happened right around Christmas.”

“Damn, man, that’s incredible. Do you guys know what it’s going to be yet?”

Twenty-five years can have a hell of an effect on people, turning old rivals into old friends.

“Human. Pretty sure it’ll be human. And if not, then buddy I have questions.”

Gabe took another drink, and I could see his eyes roll over the rim of his glass.

“Well one thing sure hasn’t changed,” he said. “Your jokes are the absolute worst.”

It had been a while since we caught up, so we’d made plans to grab a drink before Justine and I had to shift gears and start prepping for Cardiff.

“Hey, I’m allowed to make dad jokes now.”

“Make better ones.” He set his glass back down on the table. “I still can’t believe it. Emma’s starting grad school in the fall. You’re having a kid. What the hell happened to us?”

“I hate to break it to you, bud, but we got old.”

“I got old. You still look like you’re thirty.”

“Hey, thanks, Gabe.”

“Sure. Just thought I should tell you that you also look like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a hatchet.” Hey, fuck you, Gabe. “And you’re seriously getting in a cage with thirty people? You’re out of your mind.”

It was only a matter of time before we circled around to this part of the conversation. Gabe had been something of a prodigy when he first started in the sport, which made it all the more fascinating that he spent a good chunk of his retirement trying to convince me to get out and put it all behind me. His parents had both passed when he was very young, it’s why he was so damn angry all the time growing up. I think it’s why he mellowed when he became a father, because he knew what that time meant, and how fleeting it could be. Now that he knew I was about to join him in fatherhood the pressure was on.

“There’s not quite thirty of us,” I said. “And for some of these guys it’s their first taste of something like this. Wargames back in the NWC was my first real break. It’s kind of cool to get to experience that for someone else.”

“Like I said: out of your mind.”

“Okay, you wanna know the truth?” I leaned in, elbows on the table so he knew I was serious. “Doing this lets me live vicariously through some of these guys.”

“How do you mean?”

“Adam Ellis met and married the girl of his dreams, right? They’ve got a baby on the way.”

“So do you, though.”

“Yeah, but they’ve got a twenty year head start on me.” Gabe just shrugged. “Nate’s got his entire family to watch his back. Not just a brother here or a cousin there. Literally the entire family.”

Gabe got quiet for a minute. This was something I knew he would understand, because it’s something we shared. He never knew what it was like to have his family watch him perform because they were gone too soon. Most of mine stayed away because they thought it was beneath them, or that they’d have to watch me get hurt. We should have made the connection years ago, maybe bonded over that instead of trying to beat the hell out of each other.

“And then there’s Dabs,” I said.

“Yeah.”

As much as I knew Gabe’s history, he knew mine. It’s why he didn’t press when I mentioned Dabney’s name. Because the Doubleday brothers get to live the life that Andrew wanted for he and I, traveling the world together as a unit.

“The things that these guys have… the things that we didn’t? I dunno, I feel like by getting in that cage that maybe, just maybe, I can help protect it for them.” I downed the rest of my glass in one gulp, and immediately regretted the decision. Ah, gin. The liquid Christmas tree. You’ve betrayed me yet again. “I’m on a ticking clock, Gabe. I don’t have many days of this left in me. I just can’t stop yet.”

He picked up his glass and raised it in salute.

“Leave it better than you found it,” he said.

That’s the hope, my friend. # I started this journey as a scared, angry kid who picked fights in a candy factory. I met people who helped me learn to deal with what I was feeling, who saw more in me than just a guy who could wrestle. I learned that what matters in the end isn’t how many times I win, or how many shiny belts I get to bring home.

I know it might be hard to understand. It took me a little bit to wrap my head around it, too. It’s why I keep getting in that ring, no matter how many big, scary people might be standing on the other side.

What matters is the person that I become.

I’m not there yet, little one, but I’m working on it. The best version of me, the one that’ll leave the world a little bit better than he found it, he’s out there. And I think soon I’m going to get to meet him. That’s what this is all for. I do it for Walter.

For you.

For your mom.

For me.