Ship of Fools

Haze-gray and enormous, Donovan Winters stared up at the USS Octane and felt a great sense of unease. The thoughts had already been running rampant through his mind. Nothing but haze-gray from bow to stern, nothing but the same view of the ocean day after day as they set sail for Cardiff. At the very least, he had company. The original 14 members of His Word and Light, returned to him from the darkness of Colossus were boarding, as were the Wayward Diamonds Illegitimate Children of Daytona Diamonds Children’s Choir. Again, at least the only company onboard weren’t his makeshift teammates, of which Coral was the only one he was certain that he liked.

The first piece of information that cured anxiety pangs plaguing the Revelator was news that Daytona Diamonds was going to make the trip by jet ski. One less grating personality to deal with, and the idea of a jet ski crossing the Atlantic was laughable at best. Winters chalked it up to Diamonds refusing to be in the vicinity of his unconfirmed illegitimate children, though Billy had been asking questions about “daddy.” Winters simply demurred, explaining to Billy that the good people at His Word and Light would be taking care of him, at least until adoption prospects came in.

The amenities on board the Octane were sparse, it had exactly what it needed and nothing it didn’t. Don was fine with this, being a bit of an ascetic himself, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that the entire vessel left him with a gnawing feeling of emptiness in his gut. He sighed loudly to himself as he boarded the ship with his 21 guests, shocked that nobody had any issue that he was bringing a small brigade with him to Wales.

“Roll call! Everybody line up!” Winters shouted out and his gaggle quickly fell into place. He read off the names of the church, who replied with an earnest “here!” He then turned to the children and smiled.

“Pocono?”

“Here!”

“Talladega?”

“Here!” Talladega smiled widely, a massive hole remained where her two front teeth had recently fallen out.

“Bristol?”

“I’m here, Father Don!”

“Darlington?”

“Present!” There’s always one, right?

“Dover?”

“Over here!” Dover was waving excitedly at Father Don.

“Watkins Glen?”

“Hi, Father Don!”

“Hi, WG. And last, but not least, Billy.”

Crickets.

“Billy?”

Deafening silence, except for a couple of terns soaring overhead.

Winters sighed. “Has anybody seen Billy?”

Watkins Glen and Pocono started snickering together at the end of the line, immediately incurring a glare from Father Don.

“WG, Pocono, do you know where Billy is?” Winters asked sharply.

The giggling pair straightened themselves quickly and tried to keep from smiling. They were doing a poor job of it. “N-no. Of course not!”

It was time for Father Don to bargain with these little hellraisers. “I’ll tell you what, the first one that finds Billy gets an extra snack for dessert, how does that sound?”

Cheers came from the children as they started to take off in all compass points, searching for their cloven hooved half-brother half-goat.

“WG and Pocono, you wait right here for a moment, please.”

The two boys dropped their heads in resignation and trudged back toward Father Don.

“I need you to be honest with me boys.” Winters started. “I need to know where Billy is. I know he boarded the ship with us.”

Watkins Glen looked around nervously.

“You have to find him.” Pocono grinned.

Don grimaced as he squatted down to eye level with the kids.

“So you do know where he went.”

“Pocono hid him.” WG replied.

Winters stood back up, gave both children a discerning look and shuffled them away. Hands on hips, he surveyed the tarmac deck of the Octane and a couple of thoughts began running through his mind. He was interrupted by a tug at the hem of his shirt. Pocono had returned.

“He’s with the rest of his kind.” Pocono sneered.

“What is that supposed to mean? He’s your brother.” Father Don reminded him.

Pocono shook his head defiantly. “He is not. He’s with the animals.”

Shock washed over Winters’ face. “Go to your room, Pocono. We’ll discuss this later.”

Pocono dropped his head and slowly walked away from Father Don, collected by one of the church members to find their quarters. Don turned his attention to getting below decks. By the time he got down into the cargo space, he found Bristol and Talladega ripping through shipping crates while taking turns shouting “BILLY! WHERE ARE YOUUU-UUUU!”

There were no panicked bleats in reply.

Winters knew where to go. There was an entire crate filled with puppets dedicated to Father Winters’ Wonderland, the hit segment from Colossus night one. Looking through one of the already opened crates he found a volleyball and what looked like a net and weights to hold the net in place. He had an idea, but it would need to wait.

“You know what, I’ve got a few minutes.” Winters said out loud to himself and disappeared back above deck with the volleyball materials in his arms.

Talladega and Bristol continued going through boxes and, unknown to them, they finally found the right one. Bristol squealed as she opened the crate.

“Oh my GOSH! PIOUS PENGUIN! I’m gonna play with him!”

She slid her hand unmercifully into Pious Penguin’s poor little puppet-hole, both girls forgetting they had been looking for their goat brother. Once the coast was clear, poor Billy pushed his head above the waterline of puppets and looked around the cargo hold before bleating out in anguish. 🕆🕇🐧🕇🕆 I began this voyage in a box, somewhere below deck and unceremoniously stuffed in alongside the other animals. I’m pretty sure one of those nasty children shoved Billy in here with us too. I’ll tell you right now, Noah would have never stood for this and the big man upstairs will not be best pleased with Father Don suffocating me with these lesser characters. Doesn’t he know I’m the star of Father Winters’ Wonderland and jabber? Where is the respect I deserve?

Dastardly Diamonds? Pfft.

Father Yarn Winters? Pfft.

Characters that will make their debut in episode two, but I can’t speak about them yet? DOUBLE PFFT!

So there I was, languishing in this box with these unthinking, unspeaking miscreant puppets, hoping and praying for the moment one of the orphan brats would open this cursed container to set me free. And bless His Word and Light, wouldn’t you know it, eventually one of them did. I think it was Bristol or Talladega. I can’t really tell those two girls apart, but neither can their father, so it’s a wash, right?

Anyway, that cold, dark box finally opened and there was one of those Diamonds orphans smiling down at me with her missing front teeth and I thought about how much she would look like her father if she only had a beard. But I digress - I’m so full of thoughts and I get my wires crossed sometimes, but I really must stay on topic, there is a story to be told after all. So that box finally opened, I saw actual light and my heart soared, very briefly, because immediately after that things got a bit unpleasant for your hero.

She picked me up by one of my little flippers and I tried to scream, but you know, I’m mostly inanimate, so I couldn’t. I know there are a few members of the PRIME roster who would be able to commiserate on this, but do you know what it feels like to have an entire hand shoved up your butt? With no warning? My friends, it is not a pleasant experience.

Not at first, but soon it becomes warm and comfortable and you become one with the hand that is so perfectly crammed up your backside that it feels symbiotic and you just could not live without that hand up your butt. Some hands are better up the butt than others, of course, but it is generally personal preference to what type of hand you want stuffing your butt.

Either Bristol or Talladega, like I said, I can’t tell them apart, had their little hand up my cozy butt and decided to take me topside for some sun and relaxation. Let me tell you, getting on the deck of the USS Octane was like nothing I had ever experienced! I felt like one of those brave men and women from Asuka Strikes! That’s an episode from a tv show I had a lot of fun watching even if it left me with lots of questions about God and religion. Fear not friends, my faith has not been shaken and I am as pious as ever.

Oh my gosh, I’ve digressed again and I never even introduced myself! I got so concerned with being shoved in boxes with musty old puppets and having small children cram their sticky, filthy little hands up my butt, I totally forgot!

Let me start again! Hello friends, I am the ineffable Pious Penguin, the hero of Father Winters’ Wonderland, everyone’s favorite jabber account and a staunch enemy of Alesexi the evil Russian trickster demon.

Now again, where was I? Oh yes, so we were finally on the deck of the Octane and I was feeling the warm Atlantic sun, and cool ocean breeze at my back and I thought this was what heaven on earth must feel like…

And then I saw him. I moved one flipper to shade the sun from my eyes and my beak dropped open. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. He stood there on the tarmac, his muscular and well-toned body oiled from head to toe and glistening in the midday sun. Cut-off jean shorts that his rippling thighs were just aching to tear at the seams. His perfectly combed auburn mane, not a single hair out of place despite the blustery conditions. The zinc oxide on his nose gave him an air of imperiousness. A volleyball was tucked neatly under his arm, and wow.

Father Don really is incredible, isn’t he? I really couldn’t think of a better man to lead us in our faith at His Word and Light. So handsome, devout, and holy, and, oh look at me, I could go on for days about Father Don. I know I’m mean to him on jabber, but it’s all in good fun! I’m just keeping him on his tippy-toes!

Of course, I’ve been shoved in a fricken box since this trip started, so I have no idea when a volleyball net went up on the deck, but it’s there and Father Don is looking like a very healthy snack. He’s been joined by Coral’s wife Annabelle and I absolutely love her black and Pious Pink hairdo, it’s really fun! I know that she’s a member of the Pink Posse and I am so excited to get to know her better and become the best of friends.

Bobby Dean was also on deck, slathered in SPF 300 because that man was not built for the sun, or volleyball, or anything other than an all-day buffet. What I am saying is that he is A LOT like my baleen whale friends, so I am not worried about him eating me and that makes him a friend in my book. He and Father Don shook hands, exchanged pleasantries and took their places on the same side of the court.

I have a small feeling inside me (it is not the hand, do not start with me) that Father Don and Bobby will not win. I said this and Annabelle’s partner strode over to stand beside her, and tower over her, like some great ancient redwood tree that has stood in the northern California forests for thousands of years because God is so benevolent and loves trees so much. This gigantic tree of a man, I heard the girls whispering to each other was ‘Hessian’ and they call him ‘The Murder Show.’ I will be keeping myself firmly planted on this little girl’s hand, thank you very much.

The game started innocently enough with Bobby serving the ball over the net and the big tree man just knocking it back to the other side. Father Don and Beautiful Bobby were immediately behind! Father Don is really bad at picking teammates, I gotta say. First that Dastardly Diamonds and now Bobby Dean? Jeez! Next it was Annabelle’s turn to serve and I don’t think anybody told her this was supposed to be a friendly competition.

That little pink-and-black haired dynamo threw that volleyball way up high, higher than I had ever seen a mere mortal throw a volleyball (it was the first time I had seen it) and as it reached the apex and started to come back down she leapt skyward with the grace and power of a copepod and smashed it across the court right into poor old Bobby Dean’s nose!

Have I ever told you how good copepods taste? No? Well, they are delectable little ocean treats and I highly recommend getting your beaks and flippers on a few if you can. Oh, but poor Bobby! The cry he let and then, like one of my penguin brethren he waddled away off the deck of the Octane faster than anybody could believe!

I’m pretty sure Annabelle looked over at me and waved, so I waved my flipper back! Father Don, Annabelle, and Hessian decided that they would keep playing, which made no sense to me, but I’m just a penguin. What do I know?

There’s been some creepy blond guy watching us from the upper level all day, and that’s been kind of weird, right? One of the kids said it was Cancer Jiles and I already hate him so much. Father Don told me that Jiles cheated to beat him in a tournament once. And now they have to be teammates? Why would Coral Avalon do such a mean thing to Father Don?

There’s also another person wandering around that’s really short and at first I thought he was one of the orphans but the kids were whispering that’s Tony Gamble and he is fully grown. He’s barely taller than me! I didn’t know they made people that small!

OH YEAH! The volleyball game, jeez, it is very hard to stay on topic when you are a felt penguin with the weight of an entire religious movement on your very, very broad and capable shoulders. So Father Don was all alone on his side and I wanted to help him win, but the girl with her hand up the butt wouldn’t make me say the right words so I could play, which is very frustrating for me personally.

Every single time Father Don tried to hit the ball back across, Hessian would simply slap it back to the tarmac before Father Don could react. It was very unfair! He was laughing though, so I think he is making friends and having fun, which is something he really needs. I keep hearing Mother Superior say that a boy his age should have plenty of friends!

I think they started arguing about something while I was in my own thoughts, because Hessian took the volleyball, ripped it out of Father Don’s hands, and started to pull the net back really far with the ball in the center. The tension seemed too great, but just as the net was about to break, Hessian released it and that poor volleyball went all the way out into the ocean, never to return.

It was at that moment that Talladega and Bristol got tired and bored of what they had been doing and I felt one of their hands slip free from my puppet-hole. I was dropped as unceremoniously to the ground as I had been stuffed in a crate for this trip and now I was stuck staring up at the sun, waiting to be saved again.

I hate those dastardly Diamonds orphans. 🕆🕇🐐🕇🕆 Billy the Goat Boy had finally been freed, though the two girls didn’t care. They had run off with poor Pious Penguin hours ago. Billy had been left to his own devices and those devices involved revenge. Revenge on Watkins Glen and Pocono? In due time. However, there was a long-standing grudge that Billy had been nursing against Father Don for weeks and with the idea that Father Don hadn’t even been looking for him down in the cargo hold didn’t sit well.

Eating of all Billy’s snacks hadn’t set well with him either.

In his little goat mind, Billy needed three things and he would have everything he would have ever wanted.

The first was an internet connection and the Octane did have a wifi connection, choppy as it were.

Billy began searching doors below decks, hoping to find the right cabin. Eventually he found it. Father Don’s quarters contained very little, but sitting all alone on the bed was his wallet. Father Don was terrible about misplacing his wallet and Billy was always first to find it. He slid into the room, plucked the wallet into his hand and quickly slid the green and white charge card into his own pocket. Two down, one to go.

Picking through Father Don’s bag, he found the laptop he was seeking and tucked it under his arm. That was the third thing, now the revenge could be had and it would be sweet. Billy found another empty room and got everything set-up. He navigated himself to his website of choice, clicked and clacked in all the numbers and sat back satisfied.

Soon.

A day or so passed when they first heard the sound of a helicopter’s rotating blades cutting through the blue sky. Winters and Avalon were standing together on deck, watching with their mouths agape as a bright pink and blue chopper descended, with a massive crate attached to a net, hooked neatly to the helicopter. The words on the vehicle were clear as day, as was the entirely too familiar cartoon wolf emblazoned across the side.

“WolfHook Meats, Inc.” Winters mumbled under his breath and his hands immediately fell into his hands. Avalon looked at him quizzically, but Winters started wandering across the tarmac in a stupor.

From the chopper, the cargo cable was disengaged, sending the crate to the deck of the Octane with an incredible crash. The crate splintered and cracked as it landed, and like some sort of siren song to the children, they came running out of every nook and cranny the ship could provide.

It was Billy leading the charge, his excitement had him bounding on all fours, almost hopping along in that cute way that goats do. He stood on his hind legs and threw back his head, bleating wildly with glee. He had won. He knew he had won and there was nothing the adults, especially Father Don could do at this point. They had landed. They were here. They were all Billy’s.

“WOLF STIX!” Came the elated cry from Billy the Goat Boy as he rushed toward the crate with the rest of the Diamonds orphans. They reached their little hands in between the cracked wood, pulling out packs of the product Billy had recently become obsessed with, but had never tasted.

He ripped the plastic off the packaging and shoved the brownish-reddish sodium-meat stick into his mouth and his eyes went wide. The rest of the children followed suit and a full understanding of why Father Don had eaten every last one of those things set in. Winters himself watched in horror through his hands as the children devoured every single last Wolf Stix in sight.

Winters was completely defeated. There was nothing he could do but watch, and think about how he’d probably be up all night mopping up after sick kids. He looked around himself helplessly, the rest of the team had disappeared. It was only him and the kids from here. On a deck above him, Cancer Jiles watched this all playing out beneath him and chuckled to himself.

The Revelator looked up and saw Jiles watching and offered a small wave that wasn’t returned. Typical. He sighed to himself and reckoned that the kids were having fun for now, at the very least, so it wasn’t a total loss. A discussion about his credit card would have to be had with Billy again, but that could wait. Someone, someday would adopt the scamp eventually, at least that was the interminable hope.

Avalon appeared beside Winters again and tapped him on the shoulder.

“You want some good news?” He asked The Revelator.

“I could use it.” Winters replied.

“We’ve lost the jet ski.”

Winters smiled. “God works in mysterious ways doesn’t He?” 🕇🕆🌊🕆🕇