"Song & Dance" Sammy Broadway In: You Splatter To Me

“One more time!”

The music rolls.

He counts silently.

Five, six, seven, eight

And when “eight” turns into “one”...he is free again.

No longer burdened by the doubt and confusion of the world. His story, clearly laid out before him. But he won’t just go through the motions, no. That is for lesser talents. The ones who merely play a role.

Sammy Broadway brings it to life.

“You’re beautiful,” says the man standing next to him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replies, in a flawless Southern accent. He places a pie crust over a bowl and presses it into position. All while the other man stares at him with love in his eyes.

“I could find the whole meaning of life in those sad eyes…” his partner sings, with Sammy subtly mouthing the words along with him. “They’ve seen things you never quite say, but I hear…”

Sammy keeps working the crust, careful not to press his prosthetic pregnant stomach against the table too hard. Mustn’t hurt the baby.

“Come out of hiding, I’m right here beside you…” his costar continues, crossing behind Sammy as he does–

“Not fucking yet, Ethan!”

A voice bellowed from the darkness. “CUT!”

Both actors look up. “Sorry, sir,” the other actor stammers. “I don’t make the move until ‘as long as you let me.’ I know that, I just–”

“It’s fine, Ethan,” the director called out, as a door opened behind him and a figure walked in. “That’s what rehearsals are for, to get these mistakes out of our system. We don’t need you to be perfect until the show opens; just listen to your director–who, may I remind you, Sammy, is me.”

“Well, excuse me for expecting to work with professionals,” Sammy snaps. “Back in New York–”

“This isn’t New York, Sammy! This is a local production in Kansas City, with actors who have fucking day jobs! Cut them a little slack!”

“THERE’S NO ROOM FOR SLACK, MICHAEL! IT NEEDS TO BE TIGHT! IT NEEDS TO BE PERFECT! I NEED–”

Michael Webster rolls his eyes, just in time for the mysterious figure to reach his side and hand him a cup of coffee. “Oh my God, babe. You’re a lifesaver.”

“You’re welcome,” says the newcomer–a man wrestling fans know as David McBride. Once a member of a legendary tag team, now a trainer and a man who knows exactly when his husband needs a good coffee. “Sammy’s on one again, I see.”

Michael takes a long drink from his hazelnut latte with half & half. “I absolutely cannot with him anymore.

“Do you want me to break his arm?” David asks.

“Would you?” Michael answered sweetly. “You’re the best.”

David laughs, then kisses Michael on the cheek. “It’s all right, sweets. He’s signed on with some thing that does wrestling and ice cream, I guess? He’ll be out of our hair soon.”

“Thank God.”

Back on stage, Sammy is in the middle of a tantrum, with no end in sight. “AND I DON’T THINK IT’S TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT PEOPLE REMEMBER THEIR LINES AND CUES! AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE STAGE HANDS! THEY FORGOT THE PIE PLATES YESTERDAY! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SERVE PIE IF THEY–

SUDDENLY!

(The Intruders charge in from stage right, wearing dresses just like Sammy’s.)

Intruder #1: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Intruder #2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

(They charge into the scene, knocking down racks of dishes and barreling into the table, launching Sammy’s pie crust into Ethan’s face. He stumbles around blindly, before tripping over a pot and falling to the ground.)

Intruder #1: SOON WE WILL FACE CROSS AND CROSS!

Intruder #2: THAT’S A DOUBLE CROSS! THEY MUST LEARN WHAT HAPPENS TO TRAITORS!

(Intruder #2 finds his way to another rack of props, this one filled with cans of pie filling. He starts tossing them to Intruder #1.)

Intruder #1: THEY NEVER SHOULD HAVE CROSSED OUR PATH!

Intruder #2: NOW THEY WILL GET CROSSED OUT!

Intruder #1: WE WILL CROSS THEIR EYES!

(He smashes a can on the ground for emphasis.)

SMASH!

(Pie filling does not go oozing everywhere, because…well. It’s a prop.)

Intruder #2: WE WILL CROSS THEIR T’S!

SMASH!

(Another can gets smashed. It’s still a mess, though not as satisfying as it could be. Anyway, they keep breaking random props.)

Intruder #1: WE WILL CROSS THEIR HEARTS AND HOPE THEY DIE!

Intruder #2: BUT DEATH IS NO ESCAPE FROM OUR INCREDIBLE WRATH!

SMASH!

(Oops. That one was real. Blueberry pie filling splatters across the stage and Sammy’s apron. Ethan’s face is protected by the crust.)

Intruder #1: IT’S ALL OVER FOR CROSS AND CROSS ONCE THEY CROSS SWORDS WITH US!

Intruder #2: FOUR DOWN: PAIN!

Intruder #1: SEVEN ACROSS: SUFFERING!

Intruder #2: SIXTEEN DOWN: COMPLETE AND TOTAL ANNIHILATION AT THE HANDS OF…

The Intruders: THE INTRUDERS!

Intruder #1: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!

Intruder #2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!

(Exit, pursued by a bear.)

Bear: RRROOOAAAAAARRR!

(The bear also exits, before the camera cuts.)

[Cut.]

…

Sammy blinks.

He barely registers that the full cast and crew are gathered, all trying to comprehend What the Fuck Was That. Ethan finally escapes from the pie crust on his face and pulls himself up.

“I blame you for this,” Michael whispers to his husband, before addressing the cast. “Let’s take five while the stage gets reset. We’ll pick up at one…and Sammy, the line is ‘I don’t know who you’re talking about.’ You said ‘what’ again.”

A round of giggles sweeps through the other actors, all as sick of Sammy Broadway’s diva act as the director. His ears burning, he wipes his face with his apron and storms off the stage.