Dear Mister Murder

Dear Mister Murder,

I hope this email finds you well.

I know that you are currently recovering from being hurt, and so you probably aren't really all that well, but I would hate it if you received this while also having the tummy troubles. I had the tummy troubles in Mexico recently, and it was not very fun. It would be awful if you were also not having fun because of a rumbly tumbly.

People think that my tummy troubles are because I ate something bad on the trip, and this is true, but not in the way they think. It would feel very racist and insensitive to suggest that it was because of the tacos. Just because a food is new and flavorful does not mean it will automatically give you the tummy troubles. Unfortunately mine were my own fault. I had brought a little taste of home with me on that trip, but something happened to it on the flight and I think the mayonnaise went bad.

Mister Doctor Zeke said that it was because the airline people took all the racists out of my luggage. It took a while, but eventually we realized that he meant all the ice was gone. He might act a little funny sometimes, but Mister Doctor Zeke is actually a very kind man once you get to know him.

I just realized that sending this kind of makes us pen pals. Have you ever had a pen pal before, Mister Murder? I had one once when I was in the Cub Scouts. He was in jail for making some mistakes, and he said that I seemed like someone who would be fun to hang out with. Then he asked me what kind of candy I liked and what kind of clothes I wore. My mom didn't let me have a pen pal after that.

If I were to answer him now I would say that Three Musketeers are my favorite. As far as candy goes, the idea of chocolate inside of chocolate is very exotic to me. Some people say that nougat is boring, but I don't think it is. It's like a tasty chocolate cloud inside my other chocolate! I also think that khaki pants are the most comfortable pants, but everyone in PRIME Wrestling always looks at me funny when I walk by in my khaki pants. I wish they could understand how nice and comfy a pair of khaki pants feels against your calves while talking a walk in some brand new New Balance sneakers. Those are also my favorite.

Do you have a favorite candy, Mister Murder?

If you tell me your size I can send you some khaki pants and New Balance sneakers to wear when your leg is feeling better. I promise there is nothing on earth more comfortable than khaki pants and some New Balance 740 sneakers fresh out of the box.

I hate to be a pain in the buns, Mister Murder, but I was wondering if you might be able to help me out with a problem I'm having. At PRIME Wrestling's Colossus show I won a championship belt by winning against Mister Blaze, but it has been weighing on my mind ever since then. It is nice to have a championship belt, even if it is very heavy, but it's hard for me to be proud of the way that I won it.

You see, I am never going to be a good wrestler. In fact, I don't even know what I'm doing in PRIME Wrestling. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and when I thought about who I might be able to talk about this you were the first person I thought of.

You were so kind and patient the day that you invited me onto your bus. I was very confused about everything, and you tried your best to make me understand that professional wrestling is a real sport just like American Gladiators. At first I didn't want to believe you, because everyone in PRIME Wrestling dresses so silly that I thought it had to be make believe.

I'm sorry if I offended you just now, Mister Murder. I don't think that you dress silly, but there are a lot of people at work who wear very strange clothes. They are all very mad at each other all the time. It really was very confusing for someone like me.

I appreciate that you tried to "smarten me up," and I'm sorry it took me so long to finally come around. After all, you wouldn't have a hurt leg if PRIME Wrestling was make believe.

My friend Ollie has been trying to teach me how to wrestle. He reminds me of you, because he is very patient and considerate with me, and doesn't like to make me feel bad if I don't know something. But the truth is, I'm never going to be able to the things that he thinks I can. I am not much of an athlete, Mister Murder, and I never have been. Not unless I was running from the mean kids in school, and even then they would always catch me eventually.

Mister Doctor Zeke is nice in his own way, but all of his ideas are very weird, and I don't really understand what he is talking about most of the time. He seems to have a hard time remembering names, which is why he kept getting Mister Blaze and Mister Flamberge confused with one another. I think he loves this sport very much, and really likes being a part of it, but I know that I am just holding him back from doing something else.

Mister Rick reminds me of the mean kids. Out of everyone I know, he seems like the one most likely to stuff someone in a trash can and then sit on the lid while they cry. He was the one who told me I should do all of the bad things that I tried to do to Mister Blaze. I feel bad for listening to him, but I don't think I would have a championship title belt if I didn't. He is the one who told me that I should keep trying to hit Mister Blaze in the no-no area as many times as I could.

I could have chosen not to listen. I could have chosen to not do what he suggested. I wanted to know what it felt like to win so badly that I ignored everything that I knew to be right and true and instead did bad things to Mister Blaze's special parts.

Do you know what the worst part about that all is, Mister Murder?

When it was all over and I had my new championship title belt it felt like I had made the right decision. I thought that I had done the right thing by trying to hurt someone who was nice to me just so I could know what it felt like to win for once in my life.

Is that what it means to be a professional wrestler in PRIME Wrestling? Because if so then I don't think I'm cut out for it. Well, less cut out for it than I already am.

There are people who would love to have this spot that I'm currently in, and every time I go to work I feel like I am disappointing all of them just by being there. I feel like someone else would do this better.

I don't know what to do, Mister Murder. I liked winning. I liked it a whole heck of a lot. I really like having this big championship title belt, even if I need to use ropes to make sure it doesn't fall down.

I am supposed to wrestle your friend Mister Tony next, Mister Murder. I feel very conflicted about this. On the one hand he is trying to take away my very special championship title belt, but on the other hand I know that he is your friend, and I feel like that kind of makes him my friend, too. I hope I didn't overstep any boundaries by saying that. I'm sorry if I did.

I also know that Mister Tony likes to do mean things to people when he wrestles them, things like I tried to do to Mister Blaze when he and I had our performance together. I do not want Mister Tony to poke me in my eyeballs, or to hit me with chairs, or to try and pummel me in the beans until I roll around on the ground and cry. But I know that he is going to try to do these things, and so part of me feels like I need to do them first if I want to make sure that I keep my championship title belt. I have never won anything like this before in my life, Mister Murder. LeMoo's Fine Sandwiches has won a few local newspaper awards, but those were won as a team. This is the first thing that I have won all by myself.

I don't know what to do, Mister Murder. I feel like I'm stuck in a big bowl of marshmallow, and the only options I have are either to stay stuck or to pull my way out by hitting Mister Tony in his beans over and over again until he can't wrestle me anymore.

I know that he is your friend, and that you both worked with Mister Ivan, but I would really love to know what you think I should do here. Your opinion is important to me, and I value your friendship a great deal.

I will understand if you don't have time to write back. I know that you must be very busy trying to heal from your injury, and that it probably takes a lot of time and energy, so don't worry if you're not able to reply. I will be happy just knowing that my friend Mister Murder is on the mend.

If you need anything my staff and I are happy to come help out in any way we can. I heard that you have a castle, and I always thought that it would be really neat to cook in a castle.

Also I was serious about sending you some khaki pants and New Balance 740 sneakers.

I wish you a speedy recovery, and I hope to hear from you soon.

All the best,

Your friend Steve