Live with Satan: Series Preview

DING

You receive a notification on your phone. Instagram. Did you even have Instagram on your phone? Weird.

Satan Jones is live

Who is Satan Jones? Do you follow him on Instagram? Do you have an Instagram account? Why are you asking so many questions? You click the notification.

Immediately you find yourself looking at a man with his hair fashioned into devil horns. His face is kind, actually, and youthful. If he didn't have hair like that, and wasn't sticking his tongue out, he might be an attractive man.

At least he doesn't have a forked tongue.

"I should fork my tongue."

He puts his tongue back away and re-addresses his livestream.

"Hello, friends. My name is Satan Jones. I am one half of PRIME Wrestling's new tag team, the Foot Soldiers. We're called that because my teammate Kris used to be a college kicker, and because I like feet. Well, I like shoes. There's nuance. Don't be so judgmental."

He turns the phone and behind him, shirtless, is a young man with brown hair who immediately realizes he is the subject of a video.

"Jesus, Satan! I'm not dressed!"

Satan laughs.

"Jesus, Satan. Classic. That's Kris. He's got a really strong leg. He used it to blast Kenny Freeman in the face last night."

Kris settles down from his embarrassment and smiles. "Yeah, I did do that, didn't I?"

"Anyway, I am starting this Instagram series, 'Live with Satan,' to do a few things. One is to soft launch Kris's inevitable podcast career as a former kicker turned athlete..."

"I'm not starting a podcast."

"And the other is to show you the ins and outs of Gray's Wrestling Academy, which is one of the weirdest wrestling schools on the planet. Custody battle, kidnappings, a literal cult takeover...this place has it all. And so I'm not there right now, as we are in San Juan, Pwer-to Ree-co..."

He says it like that. It's obnoxious.

"But when we get back to New Orleans I'll be going live from time to time to introduce you to all the wacky trainers, students, and staff that's at Gray's. You'll meet Foster Nackedy, a man who is turning 50 and is really bad at it; Jonathan Rhine, a guy in a wheelchair whose junk works because he's having a baby soon; and at least a dozen other random people with stories to tell. And in the middle of it all is me: Satan Jones, professional wrestler, absolute hottie, and jabber personality of the year in waiting. So keep your heads on a swivel, because we'll be back with some great content soon. See y'all on the flip side!"

"Who says that?" Kris crinkles his eyebrows in confusion. Satan turns back and looks at him, then back at the camera, and when he does, there is a manic smile on his face.

"Who says that?" Satan asks. "The Devil does."

The feed cuts, and you are back to whatever you were doing on your phone before the rude interruption.