Crash & Burn In: Something Fishy This Way Comes

The scene begins in the stately home of Charles Beckett, former professional wrestler and current internet personality. His wife, Chetna, is at work; their kids are at school…which leaves Charles completely unsupervised.

Oh no.

Thankfully there’s still an adult in the room, in the form of his best friend and former tag team partner, David McBride. David sits at the breakfast nook, waiting for his friend to return with refreshments.

He doesn’t have to wait long; Charles enters the room holding two mugs with steam wafting from the top. A matching pair; both are gray with blue accents, and the word “Sardines” printed on the side.

“Here we go!” Charles says, setting one down in front of his friend before resting himself on the opposite side of the table. It was time for their usual conversation.

“I keep thinking about that PRIME show here in town,” David says. Charles smiles, knowing exactly what David is going for.

Truth is, they’ve had this talk at least three times a year since they retired.

“That was a lot of fun,” Charles agrees. “I hope Dametreyus and his new friend are getting along.”

“I still don’t understand–well, it doesn’t matter. Between that, and the Flynn Cup, and now PRIME has this big show coming up…I just keep thinking about stepping in that ring again. But for real.”

Charles shakes his head. “Dave. You’re…what, fifty? And I’m not far behind. We had our day.”

“I’m still in good shape,” David fires back. “I’m not just teaching when I train people; I learn things too. I bet we can be just as good as we ever were.”

“For the last time,” Charles says, knowing full well that it won’t be. “My heart just ain’t in it anymore. Helping with the Flynn is as close as I need to get. The channel, spending time with my wife and kids…that means more to me than any title belt or main event ever could.”

A wave of guilt crosses David’s face, because he knows he doesn’t feel the same way. As much as he loves his husband, as much as he loves training the next generation of wrestlers…he knows how good he is in the ring and how much he wants to prove it. He was the “Burn” in Crash & Burn, after all, and the fire isn’t out yet.

“Look,” he says. “Just give it some thought. One more–

SUDDENLY!

(The toy box in the living room bursts open, allowing the Intruders to become unleashed in the Beckett home!)

Intruder #1: PRIME WILL BE CRUSHED UNDER OUR MIGHTY HEELS!

Intruder #2: AND SQUISHED BETWEEN OUR MIGHTY TOES!

(Eww.)

Intruder #1: VERY SOON WE WILL MAKE OUR PRESENCE KNOWN! FOR MANY WERE INVITED TO ASCENSION...BUT WE WERE NOT!

Intruder #2: THE FOOLS! DON'T THEY KNOW THAT ONLY MAKES US MORE POWERFUL?

Intruder #1: THEN LET US USE THAT POWER TO RAIN DESTRUCTION DOWN ON THEIR HEADS!

Intruder #2: WHO’LL STOP THE RAIN, YOU ASK? WE SAY NOBODY, JOHN FOGERTY!

(Charles Beckett looks up, an odd smile on his face.)

Charles Beckett: Hey, that guy sounds familiar. Is that our old narrator?

(...ohhhhhhhhh noooooooooo please please please don’t talk to me)

David McBride: What are you talking about?

Charles Beckett: I think it is. Hey, buddy! How’ve you been?

(Shut up shut up shut up shut up I barely got this gig and I can NOT afford trouble with the Narrator’s Guild right now…)

Charles Beckett: Ah, they’re softies. Just gotta know how to talk to ‘em.

Intruder #2: STOP TALKING TO OUR NARRATOR!

(Christ, not you too! ABORT! ABORT!)

Intruder #1: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Intruder #2: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

(The Intruders run back for the safety of the toy box and jump inside. The lid slams behind them, freeing us from this ridiculous scene.)

[Cut.]

David rolls his eyes and brings the mug up to his lips. He drinks a small amount of its contents…

“PPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTT!”

…and immediately spits it out.

He peers into the mug, where he sees a tiny fish swimming around. It briefly breaks the surface to look back at him, then goes back to its sardine business.

David stares in absolute befuddlement. First at the fish, and then at his friend.

“I thought this was coffee!”

Now it’s Charles’ turn to look confused.

“Why would you think that?”