Nate Colton in: The Custom-er Is Always Right

Nate Colton was sick of planes. He was sick of airports. But most of all, he was sick of Customs.

This one was his own fault; he’d insisted on shuttling back and forth between Las Vegas between shows rather than staying in Canada. But after the Australia/Japan tour, he felt the need to stay home as much as he could. If he had to endure all the waiting…well, it was worth it.

The questions, always the same. “Are you a Canadian citizen?” “What is the purpose of your visit?” “How long will you be staying?”

The answers, just as rote. “No.” “Work.” “Five days.”

So long. So boring.

The only consolation was that the agent looked just as bored as he was. That allowed him to count his blessings; at least he only had to deal with this once today. The poor girl looked about the same age as him, but acted like she was in her mid-50s and smoked a pack a day.

The bleary-eyed traveler and the bone-tired clerk stared blankly at each other and kept going through the motions.

“Do you have anything to declare?” the customs agent asked.

Nate opened his mouth to respond, when…

SUDDENLY!

(The camera zooms in on the baggage x-ray machine, which explodes. When the smoke clears, two men are standing in the debris. They are big, beefy lads, dressed in black trunks and boots. Their faces are obscured by gray and black masks.)

(I know what you’re thinking. “There wasn’t a camera here a second ago.” Well, there is now. Deal with it.)

Intruder #1: WE HAVE SOMETHING TO DECLARE! WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!

(The Intruders jostle Colton to the side as they charge toward the camera.)

Intruder #2: THAT’S RIGHT! WE DECLARE WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR ON THE PRIME TAG TEAM DIVISION! NONE WILL BE SPARED THE AWESOME WRATH OF…THE INTRUDERS!

Intruder #1: THE FIRST CASUALTIES OF THIS WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR ARE THE MASTERS OF THE MOSCOWVERSE!

Intruder #2: ARE YOU MOSS, OR ARE YOU COWS? MAKE A DECISION!

Intruder #1: WHEN KENNY FREEMAN IS IMPRISONED, AND RANDALL SCHWARTZ IS…

(Uh-oh.)

Intruder #1: IS…SCH…UM…

(Looks like he’s run out of steam. His partner leans in to whisper some help.)

Intruder #2: REMOVED?!

(Sorry, not “whisper.” “Shout.”)

Intruder #1: WHAT?

Intruder #2: REMOVED! LIKE A WART!

Intruder #1: YES! REMOVED! WHEN THOSE TWO THINGS HAPPEN, THEN THE MASTERS OF THE MOSCOWVERSE WILL BE FULLY SUBJUGATED, THEN WE WILL BE THE NEW MASTERS!

Intruder #2: AND THE SPOILS OF WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR WILL BELONG TO…THE INTRUDERS!

Intruder #1: WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT…

Intruder #2: WE ARE COMING IN!

(Nope, don’t like that.)

Intruder #1: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Intruder #2: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

(The masked men charge away in a seemingly random direction, still screaming. The camera follows them for a while, before the scene cuts.)

[Cut.]

Nate Colton and the customs agent stare at…whatever the fuck that was. The agent shook her head in confusion.

“Here and I thought today was going to be boring,” she said.