“Ok, how we looking?” Ben Lynch asks. He adjusts his blue necktie that compliments a white button up shirt that's covered by a dark blue sports coat. He smirks, and looks nervous.  His hair, ugly curls with an embarrassing recession, is a victim of a small handful of mousse.  He still needs to shave.

The Jerkass Woobie is in the…Oval Office? Or, so it seems. Nothing about the setting is real. The background is a vinyl sheet attempting to look like the room in the West Wing. Whoever put it together forgot to iron out the wrinkles, and the clamps are easily seen in the shot.

They did a great job with the desk though, and the American flag is real.

THIS IS A BEN LYNCH JERKASS WOOBIE SPECIAL REPORT

“Oh!” He anxiously shouts. “Shoot! Ben, we’re live…” Dean must've hit the camera, or there was an small earthquake, but the image rumbles for a moment as Ben clears his throat. Disclaimer: The following was taped prior to the finish of Ivan Stanislav-Coral Avalon in the main event of ReVival 63. Ben Lynch prepared a speech congratulating Coral Avalon on retaining the championship. The Lynch team was given enough time for one take. The speech has been edited in post production due to the unforeseen, and catastrophic, victory of Ivan Stanislav. We apologize for the inconvenience, and God bless the U.S. of A. “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of PRIME,” Ben’s tone is direct and professional. “For those of you that do not know me, I am Ben Lynch, President…of the Ben Lynch Estate. I come to you, today, to congratulate Coral Avalon Ivan Stanislav on retaining his victory against Ivan Stanislav Coral Avalon at ReVival 63.”

"Coral Ivan,” he continues, “has been an unbelievably solid universal champion will make for an absolutely wonderful universal champion. It is without a doubt the best universal title run of all time Ivan dethroned the greatest universal champion of all time. I am not alone in thanking Coral for putting that bear six feet down where he belongs Ivan for dethroning that ignoramus eGG Bandit and embarrassing his shell of a cliq. Congratulations, Coral Ivan, for an extension of such a monumental title run for bringing the title to your mother country and doing the Reds proud in their venture to become the greatest and most feared country on what might possibly be a flat Earth.”

The Jerkass Woobie takes this opportunity to raise an egg a tiny Russian flag from below the desk. His smile grows as slow as he raises the egg flag. Then he shakes it a couple of times so that it potentially scrambles in the shell it does a little wave, but it may already be hard boiled the material seems a tad brittle and the flag gives off more of a paper mache vibe.

“The era continues A new era begins,” Ben positively states as he smiles into the camera. “Are you ready, PRIME? Are you prepared for the eGG Bandits Red Army to continue their domination to dominate on the place you call home? We here at the Ben Lynch Estate would like to step aside from the congratulatory, good game, butt tappin’. We want to make sure that the eGG Bandits Red Army understands that we will not be intimidated. We will not kowtow to your demands. We will not celebrate your victory, nor will we recognize it; after what's already been said, of course.”

The last comment deflated the room for a brief moment. Ben adjusts the collar of his button up shirt. He's sweating, and perhaps regretting the decision to dress like the President of the United States after the leader of the eGG Bandits Red Army retains wins the PRIME Universal Championship. But, he keeps going, and much to everyone's dismay.

“Listen, Bandits Reds,” Ben leans forward and points toward the camera, “if you think that just because you wear that beautifully golden leather strap that you're in any way, shape, or form, better than us then you've got another thing comin’...busters. This is the new world, and as an elite member of its council, we can only recognize members of the council, such as myself, when primarily the bearer of PRIME’s most coveted prize. In layman's terms, and for the plebs, that means that the universal championship only exists when I am the champion. So, Coral Ivan, we will ensure with absolute certainty that our services will be fully attainable if needed by any party seeking to end your reign of terror.”

He removes a quill from his inkwell and immediately begins to sign a document laying before him. Once his signature is where it needs to be then he slaps the quill against the desk and smiles.

“Let's call it a declaration,” Ben says through a grin. “Ben Lynch, (should be retired) Mercenary Father Jerkass Woobie for hire, declares his services of harassing whoever it may be that deserves to be harassed until they are defeated either physically, or mentally. Universal champions, that are not Ben Lynch, are automatically qualified to be hostiles, and enemies of the state. Your terrorism will be pacified through fierce and aggressive tactics, that have been researched amongst scholars of interplanetary warfare, and we will be merciless in our process to make you suffer (Cecilworth Farthington - call me).”

He puts his hand to the side of his face and acts like he's on the phone. Then he tosses the quill like a dart and it coincidentally lands back into the inkwell. Ben stares at the inkwell for a moment. He's obviously amazed by the trick shot that he absolutely had no idea would work. He returns a smile to the camera, and folds his hands on the desk.

“I would like to thank my associate,” Ben raises a hand to signal the Dean Gullberry behind the camera, “Mr. Dean Gullberry for assisting me with this Special Report. I also want to thank the beautiful members of PRIME’s staff that realized that signing Ben Lynch to an extended contract would be a fantastic idea. Because, that's what I've just signed. You've got me for the long run. And, I've got you, until death do us part. May the many fans of PRIME bask in the glory of Ben Lynch’s arrival, and display of adversity in the evil face of oppression. And, as always, God bless the United States of America.”

An awkward pause. Is the scene frozen, or is Ben that good at keeping a facial expression in suspended animation? The latter. He stands and we see that he decided pants were unnecessary for this special report. He's wearing only a pair of PRIME boxer briefs, which are partnered with Manscape, so that they have that testicle pocket for better nestle of the testicular region. He's also attempting to subvert our perception because it’s pretty obvious that there's a sock in his underoos.

“Dean,” Ben excessively points at the camera. “Shut it off! We’re still recording!”

End.