Waiting for the Sun

Friday 8th November, 2024

Grand Canyon National Park

Arizona, United States of America

Seán O’Neill felt a growing sense of anticipation as he surveyed his surroundings. The notion of adhering to any sort of sleep schedule had been cast aside for this unique opportunity. Enveloped in the black of night, he first noticed the cold. It wasn’t the bone-chilling cold he would have faced in early November in Ireland but still, it was colder than he’d been in quite some time.

His efforts to get here in-time had kept the chill at bay, but now he’d reached his destination and settled down, he could feel the chill seeping in. The air, however, was refreshingly crisp and invigorating, and he savoured each breath, allowing it to fill his lungs completely.

It’s natural, I think, when an anniversary of any kind approaches, to reflect on what has been. Whenever Seán O’Neill wanted to reflect on the passage of time, he’d always look for a chance to seek solace in nature. This night, or perhaps more correctly, this morning, had been planned for exactly that purpose. Sunrise holds a touch of magic no matter where it’s witnessed; however there are few places on this planet of ours, where its full splendour is on display. This was one of those few places.

Was it fate that brought PRIME so near to this location as he prepared to enter his second year with the company? Whether or not this was part of some higher plan, O’Neill was determined not to miss the chance to tick an item off his bucket list and clear his mind at the same time.

One year – already? Time can be such a cruel mistress. The more fervently we wish for life to slow its relentless pace, to allow us to savour each precious moment, the more time mocks us by accelerating the very passage we long to pause. In October of 2023, an unexpected conversation had led to an opportunity of a lifetime, one he could never have imagined or anticipated – One last chance to carve out a legacy in the business he’d sacrificed everything for, the business he’d dedicated a lifetime to.

Tuesday had marked one full calendar year since he’d sat across from The Queen of the Ring and put pen to paper in acceptance of that opportunity. When he reflected on the man who’d signed that contract, he couldn’t help but feel a great deal of sympathy, regardless of how oddly self-serving that may seem. He’d been a broken shell of a man.

He’d still been engulfed in the profound despair of mourning. The loss of his great friend and inspiration, Jay Phoenix, had brought him to his knees. In his grief, he’d allowed old demons to resurface; chief amongst them was the voice that spoke only to him – his depression. That voice was a self-loathing echo, reminding him of all his fears, weaknesses, and inadequacies.

He had shut the rest of the world out, or more accurately, had shut himself out of the rest of the world. Isolation had always been his way of coping when times were tough. But if he had learned anything over the past twelve months, it was this - isolation is not the answer. He’d silenced that voice now, hopefully for good. He’d taken the advice of the few friends remaining to him, and let other people into his life.

The Irishman reached for the backpack he’d placed at his feet upon sitting down. Drawing it close, he retrieved a portable tablet and a flask of ‘English Breakfast’ tea. Not all of his bad habits had been left behind, a fact underscored as he reached into his pocket for a cigarette.

“Well, nobody’s perfect are they?”

The rhetorical question dissolved into the night as the small flame from his lighter flickered out. He savoured the satisfaction of that first draw, feeling it flow through him. He then poured himself a mug of tea and delighted in the warmth that coursed through his body as he sipped on it.

He powered on the tablet and navigated through the interface to access his photos. Setting them to play on a random shuffle, he placed the tablet atop his backpack. As the images that chronicled the story of his life slowly unfolded, each one brought a fresh smile to his face, warming his cheeks.

A few minutes passed, and the occasional bark of his laughter echoed across the canyon as cherished memories, linked to each photo, surfaced and faded. Then it happened - the moment he had both longed for and feared in equal measure: his most treasured picture appeared on the screen.

Every emotion surged within him at once. The joy of seeing the faces of those he cherished more than anything was tempered by the sorrow that two of them had now gone where he couldn’t follow. His gratitude for having preserved the memory of these best days of his life was countered by the regret that he hadn’t fought harder to keep things as they once were. He’d long since accepted that he would grapple with these regrets for the remainder of his days.

He picked up the tablet and paused the slideshow; he wasn’t ready for the program to move on to the next photo just yet - He wanted to take all of it in.

The photo had been taken at the Reading Festival in August of 1997. It was just possible to make out Metallica on stage, they’d been playing ‘Nothing Else Matters’ when the photo was taken, for the first time the significance of that really hit home to him. Seán let his focus move to the reason why he loved this photo more than any other – the people featured in it.

The recently turned eighteen-year-old Logan was making a comical face, typical of most photos of him at that age. His shoulder-length hair was wild and unkempt, and he had yet to fill out his frame; even his oversized Fear Factory tour t-shirt couldn't conceal that.

To Logan’s right stood a younger version of O’Neill himself, each one of his teeth was on display in a smile that reached his eyes. He wore a bright orange New Era baseball cap, turned backwards of course, and a black and red pinstriped ‘Pippen 33’ Chicago Bulls jersey over a baggy white t-shirt. For a brief moment, he felt a pang of embarrassment, wondering who could have possibly let him leave the house dressed like that, before the realization set in that he still dressed just as poorly to this day. If nothing else, at least he was consistent.

His right arm was draped across Erin’s shoulder, standing slightly to the right and in front of him. His gaze lingered momentarily on how her fingers intertwined with his, he’d forgotten she always did that. She wore a black Nine Inch Nails t-shirt, the only one of the group with any concept of wearing clothes that actually fit. A flannel shirt was tied around her waist. Her radiant smile was the highlight of any photo they’d ever taken, and this was no exception.

On the far left stood Jay, he’d been almost a full decade older than the others. As always when not competing, his long red hair was held back by a bandana. Though not as baggy as the t-shirts worn by Seán and Logan, his Captain America t-shirt was still at least one size too big for him. However, given his considerably more developed physique, it looked nowhere near as out of place. There was a peaceful look of contentment on his face and his smile held its usual warmth.

His attention was entirely given over to the photo for several minutes. These were the people and this was the era that’d been on his mind the most over the last year. If he was going to be honest with himself, and after-all that was the entire point of this excursion, he had spent far too much time reliving the past. He was still searching for a sense of having made peace with everything that had happened. It still eluded him.

It wasn’t that he was trying to deny the enduring pain of his loss, the sorrow he knew would always linger. He had teetered on the brink of despair, struggling to come to terms with Jay’s suicide. His feelings about Erin’s loss were more complicated. They’d not been in contact for the better part of thirty years. Despite having shared only a brief period in each other's lives, he’d always thought of her as ‘The One’. Of course, through his own foolishness he’d let her move on – she’d lived, loved, and been loved in return. Other women had come and gone during the intervening years, but he had never truly ‘let them in’ – not like he had with Erin.

He was thankful at least that he still had Logan, the one constant in his life since they’d been children. He may be half-way across the world, and have more than enough on his plate as the father of two young terrors, but at least he was only a phone call or a message away. He wanted to speak with all of them now.

Finally, he drew his attention away from the photo and took stock of his surroundings. The pitch black of night had given way to a dark purple. It was almost time; but if he wasn’t careful he was going to miss this experience, lost to his thoughts. Not prepared to risk that, he powered down the tablet and put it back into his backpack. He poured a second cup of tea and sat back to try and enjoy it.

“I try you know?” he asked the darkness. No sooner had he got himself into a comfortable sitting position than he sprung to his feet and began to pace, taking care not to go too far – it was still too dark to be sure where the edge of the canyon lay.

“Believe it or not, I’ve actually been allowing myself to have fun these last few months, even made myself a new friend.”

He rubbed his temples and ran his hand through his hair. If he’d been expecting to have a Lion King style experience, he’d have been disappointed. No Mufasa-like apparition formed in the skies above to answer him; he was alone in the dark.

“I’ve even got some support from the fans now, didn’t think I’d ever see that day. Guess I’ve sorta become a bit of a loveable goofball type character, it’s better than not being cared about at all, I suppose.”

He voice held no conviction as he spoke; he paused momentarily as that realisation dawned on him and then smiled a sad, almost defeated smile.

“It’s not enough, though. No matter what I try to do, I still go into every match knowing I’m likely to lose. It feels like nail after nail is being hammered in to my coffin. I guess I allowed myself to believe that if I made changes, it could to lead to better results. I’ve tried to redefine success, take this new relationship with the fans for example. I was so sure that if I could only feel their support my confidence would return. But deep down, I still feel like a doormat, just the stepping stone for others to wipe their feet on as they join the company. I knew coming here wasn’t going to be easy. But maybe I still underestimated just how hard it was going to be?”

He slumped back down to his previous sitting position and lit another cigarette.

“Wouldn’t you know it, same old story? This new guy Stryker loses his first match through the door, so naturally the powers that be think - ‘Ok, let’s book him with O’Neill, get him a nice easy win under the belt.’ I came back to the business to try and leave something to be proud of behind, but maybe I’m just doing even more damage to what little reputation I still have left at this point!”

“Fuck!” Lost in his frustration, he’d not noticed the ash on the end of his cigarette build up until it had fallen onto his left hand. He jerked it away then rubbed a little spit across the light burn it had caused.

“I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I just don’t know if I have it in me anymore. I’m losing hope much quicker than I can replace it. Maybe one more year was enough for me?”

*****

Tuesday 26th August, 1997

Heathrow Airport

Hounslow, London, England

“So that’s it? It’s over?”

Jay stopped checking his luggage and looked up at the question. He allowed himself a smile as he looked across at young Seán O’Neill, his most attentive and promising student. Seán was trying (poorly) to hide his disappointment, so he placed a reassuring hand on the youngster’s shoulder.

“It’s not over Seán, this is just the beginning for you. You’ve done so well this year, all of you have. I can’t believe how quickly it’s flown by.”

O’Neill shuffled his feet, trying to find a posture that would better hide his insecurities.

“I just thought, well, I mean... there’s so much I still need to learn.”

That remark brought a laugh from Jay; there was no malice in it though, still with his hand on Seán’s shoulder he gave it a little squeeze.

“So do I buddy, so does everyone else. If you’re not learning, you’re not living!”

He took his arm away and beckoned for Seán to walk with him. They made their way towards the departure lounge, Seán dragged his feet trying to postpone for as long as he could the time he’d spend with the man who’d been his idol, and had now become his friend.

“One year bud - that was the contract. An opportunity to keep some money coming in for those horrible little things that keep piling up called bills, keep myself as in shape as I could and help develop ‘The Next Generation’ whilst I recovered. It’s been a blast, it really has. I’m honoured to have played some small part of putting your feet on the path, but now you need to walk it and see where that takes you. You’ve made it through your first year in the business, and that’s no small feat – think how many people have started that same journey but don’t make it this far. You need to look forward to the challenges of year two. I’ve no doubt you’re going to embrace it with the same dedication and passion you’ve shown so far.”

Seán nodded in response, his mood was still visibly downbeat though. “I know, I’m just not sure I’m ready to do this on my own.”

“You’re not alone Seán.”

Jay took from his pocket, what could be easily mistaken today for a black concrete brick. This however, was the height of cellular technology as far as it had come in 1997. This was an Ericsson GH 688 mobile phone. He waved the phone from side to side as he smiled again.

“The world keeps getting a smaller and smaller place. Now that we have these you can always get a hold of me. And you can always drop me an email if you can find a computer.”

He replaced the phone and motioned for Seán to ‘bring it in’ for a hug. The two shared a warm embrace for a few moments, then Jay took hold of both Seán’s shoulders and took a good look at him.

“Putting myself aside though Seán, you’re not alone. You and Logan are inseparable, and it won’t be long before the two of you are heading Stateside if I know anything about this business. You know I’ll open any doors I can to make that happen. And then there’s Erin of course, let’s just hope she doesn’t wake up with common sense one day and run in the opposite direction.”

His smile was playful, no-one was fonder of the young couple than Jay himself - with the possible exception of Logan, who would happily declare to any who’d listen that it was his greatest relief that Erin took up so much of Seán’s time nowadays.

“Seriously buddy, the next few years will be some of the most exciting of your life. Think of all the places you’re going to see, all the experiences you’ll have, all the adventures! All you need to do is put one foot in front of the other and see where this wild ride takes you. But Seán, remember this - life isn’t about winning wrestling matches or championships. It’s about truly living each moment, embracing the highs and the lows. Don’t just let life pass you by; make sure you are living it to the fullest. Cherish the little moments, the laughter, the friendships. Those are the real treasures.”

NOW BOARDING THE 14:30 BRITISH AIRWAYS FLIGHT TO NEW YORK - JOHN F. KENNEDY INTERNATIONAL

The announcement echoed out from the public address system. Jay smiled again and nodded to his young friend as he took his leave. As he walked away he called out to Seán without turning back. “Be good Seán O’Neill and if you can’t be good...”

He left the last part unsaid, but Seán, who’d heard this countless times over the last year finished under his breath “Don’t get caught.” He made a feeble attempt to smile himself, before he turned away towards the exit.

*****

Friday 8th November, 2024

Grand Canyon National Park

Arizona, United States of America

This is the strangest life

I've ever known

Can't you feel it?

Now that spring has come

That it's time to live in the scattered sun

Around thirty minutes had passed, the ghosts hadn’t responded to his cries for help – so he had sat on in silence. That was until he noticed that the purple sky had given way to a dark blue, getting lighter by the second - O’Neill got to his feet, it was starting. Almost imperceptibly at first, the horizon began to glow with a soft, golden light. He realised he was holding his breath so he let himself fall back into a rhythmic breathing pattern.

As the first glimpse of the sun appeared, blazing shades of orange, pink, and purple began to mix with the dark blue above. The light reached out for the jagged edges of the canyon, the ancient rock formations began to show their definitions. His eyes widened as he fought to take-in as much as he could. Each layer of rock, each ridge and cliff, started to reveal their intricate details. The layers of reds, oranges, and browns began to glow as the light slowly crept across them.

He struggled to process the beauty of what he was witnessing. He knew that this scene played out every day stretching back through the millennia, but right now, it felt like it was a private performance – just him and the silent spectacle of Mother Nature at work. Shadows stretched out before him as bit-by-bit more of the sun revealed itself.

The sense of awe that filled him threatened to spill out. As the sunlight washed over him, it brought a sense of peace, of serenity. It cost him a great deal of effort to break the spell and speak.

“Well... what do you say to that?”

As if in answer to his question, the distant sound of birdsong reached him. He took a deep breath as he looked around once more, taking in all the majesty of this miracle - An experience he would never forget. He looked down at his feet questioningly.

“What do you think? Do we keep on putting one foot in front of the other?”

The beauty and tranquillity playing out before him filled him with renewed vigour. It was as if the immense, timeless landscape whispered to him the answers his ghosts had not given - that his journey was far from over. The struggles and uncertainties of his career seemed to pale in comparison to the enduring grandeur of the canyon.

He felt a surge of inspiration, a determination to press on. The sun rises each day, without knowing what the dawn will bring. It may have been buried deep but there was still hope. He knew there would come a day when that hope would have disappeared completely, but not this day. He couldn’t walk away now, this opportunity would never come again – he had to find a way. He was tired of losing, tired of picking himself up after each of his seemingly endless defeats. The determination that now filled him spilled over into anger, he was going to find his way.

He sighed. “I think there’s a little more gas left in the tank just yet.”