Picture this!  We fade in...

Title Card:

Inside the Mind of Productions presents:

SEBASTIAN GOLD

Starring in:

SFX: (guttural, monstrous ROAR as title fades in:)

PINEAPPLE RIM

SFX: (the ROAR fades to soft ocean waves.)

Cut to:

Title Card:

Any resemblance to actual PRIME superstars, living or dying, is purely coincidental.

[Rated PG-13]

 

Cut to:

Prologue - The Past, one of the black & white years.

A montage of headlines fly by:

"Secret Nuclear Test Site!,"

"Terror at the Rim!,"

"What Lurks Below??!"

"Who Will Save Us???"

Then we cut to an enormous mushroom cloud over the water of an Island beach, then redacted government documents, and end it with grainy film reels showing something Gigantic rising from the depths.

Cut to (the good stuff):

Scene 1  - A Hanger inside the Pineapple Rim Mech Base. Rain outside. Night

Enter GOLD, our hard-edge, hard-drinking, hot-headed hero, wearing a light spacesuit, no helmet. He makes heavy footsteps towards a man who seems to be his CAPTAIN, currently chatting with other high-ranking military officers, when Gold butts in.

Gold: Captain Williams, you really want me dead, don't you?

The Captain: That's out of line, even for you, Gold.

The Captain was no old man, but you wouldn't know by looking at him. The stress of guarding the Rim does that, people. Could one day do it to me. I try not to think about it.

The Captain ushers his companions away and turns his back on Gold, who zips around and blocks his way.

Gold reaches into his bag and takes out a chart with a lot of lines on it.

Gold: Your calculations are off for the next engagement. Fatally, sir. Be man enough to admit you were wrong-

The Captain: You'll have some respect, kiddo.

Gold: Then, with all due respect, why are you treating me like a goddamn Fruit!?

Tempers in both men rise but are cut short by that familiar call to duty:

SFX: (red alert siren, loud, repeating.)

Intercom: "UNIDENTIFIED FRUIT INBOUND. UNIDENTIFIED FRUIT INBOUND."

The Captain: You will follow my orders, Lt. Or kiss your dreams of bein' a full-time pilot goodbye.

He clutches his printed orders into a bowtie and throws them at the Captain's feet.

Gold: I follow my own orders, Captain.

Then he throws on these giant f***-off sunglasses and storms off, the authority figures stunned by this rebellious youth. Classic.

Now, we follow him through a huge metal door and into the Main Hanger, the pride of the Base since it has giant robots and looks like--

MUSIC: ♫ aaaann airpooort.♫

No, it looks like- 

MUSIC (louder, clearer now) : ♫ theee airpoort, theeee airpoort ♫

Cut to:

Scene 2 - The Kitchenette in my Hotel Room. Clear skies. (an early f*******) Day.

I snap out of it. I zone back in. Right, I think. You're up at dawn to train. Wake up.

There's a kitchen knife in my hand, a blender plugged in, and an array of tropical fruits to my right.

Up at dawn and making a healthy breakfast.  If only the old me could be here, he'd be bored out of his skull. Need to remind myself that's a good thing now and then. This is going to be a good, calm morning.

MUSIC: ♫ I guess the Apple don't fall far from the tr-♫

Shit, know who that is. I pick up.

Sebastian (smiling): Hey Dee!

Dee: You sound like you’re in a good mood.

That's Dee, my sponsor/self-appointed unofficial coach. I've been dodging her calls, so I'm expecting notes.

Sebastian: I really am!

Dee (confused): Why?

It's a fair question. I lost my last two matches, my intervention with Rob was a disaster, and he made me in into an ashtray in front of the world for my troubles. I have no idea what to do next there, but here? Here, at least:

Dee: Your brother's talking to you again!

Sebastian: Yeah!  Well, texting. Very slow texting. And neither of us have even broached the, you know, "incident." But it's looking good so far.

I dance to a song in his head as the fruit goes into the blender. Now, what should I add?

Dee: That's great. I thought I’d catch you in funk when I heard about the Dawkins booking.

Sebastian: The what?

Dee: Bryan. Dawkins. Did you miss the announcement?

Fuck.

I stare at my recently bought pineapple.

Sebastian: It had to be you.

I grab the tropical fruit by the base of the crown. Time to settle in for a lecture.

Dee: Let's review: Bryan Dawkins. Used to be an A+ high-flyer, a style you're pulling in a B in these days and you know-

Sebastian:  'A is the only passing grade in PRIME,' I get it. What else?

I remove the bottom first, the crown second. I think that's right. It's been a while since I've cut a pineapple.

Dee: He's a technician trained in Jiu-Jitsu. Hey, remember when you tried to learn Jiu-Jitsu? Now, that was funny.

Now the rind comes off. Look at all those eyes.

I lean against the table and ask the unhusked pineapple for its secrets.

What do those many eyes see? O metatron of fruits I wonder...Nop-nope, stay here, Bash. Stay here. Concentrate on what she's saying:

Dee: You use the same strategy, you ain't coming out alive. It's cause you're spending all your time on the show-off stuff. I know the crowd loves it-

Sebastian: I do too.

Dee: It's only putting icing on a flat cake, kid.

She's right. I hate it when that happens. I tried to outdo Crash, got sloppy and lost.  I got so distracted b a fucking Whoresman I missed my own booking.

Oh, and apparently, the foundations of my craft are a flat cake. It's not my fault they're boring.

Sebastian: I'll get on...all that.

Dee: Anything else eating you?

I finish blending the smoothie and throw a pineapple slice on the rim.

Sebastian: Yeah, actually. Did you know pineapples have an this enzyme that eats at you while you eat them? It goes down taking as much of you with as it can with it. Isn't that cool?

Dee: No. Now, let's talk strategy. Harry and I were just talking ab-

Sebastian (cutting her off): Wait, Harry's out of rehab?

Cut to:

Scene 3. The turbulent, storm-tossed beach of Pineapple Rim, Heavy rain. Night.

Go with me: It's the middle of the night when the Fruit attacks, clever creatures that they are. The Human forces are caught off guard, only a minor emergence was predicted today. THE CAPTAIN said so.

Now, his soldiers can only watch in horror as the Pineapple floats to its full size, blocking out the sky. Then, like a girthy battleship, it plunges forward towards the fleeing civilians ashore.  A gaping, rotted hole spits its juices from the top.

We cut to the Captain, who drops his stupid charts, stunned in horror.

The Captain: Dear god. It's rotten right to the core...

Soldier 1: The damage from the juices alone!

BOOOM we go back to the battle on the beach, where you see the monstrous Pineapple spew its yellow, all-devouring juices over the artillery forces, out of position and too slow to retreat. The first squadron of mechs is decimated. More deaths will follow unless.....

We cut to our hero, Gold, fiddling with wires in a strange cockpit. He sparks two exposed ones together and successfully this giant robotic warrior. The mechanism springs to life, and he's rocketed forward right into the thick of battle! Which isn't good! he doesn't know how to fly this thing! 

Gold: Where's the manual??

He had to grab the first unused mech he could find and barely recognizes these controls. The windshield is a maze of bullets lasers and juices, barely missing their targets as Gold scrambles to learn the controls on the fly.

(SFX: BOOOM! FIRE. ALARM)

Gold: We've been hit!

Smoke fills the background; cracks form in the cockpit's glass. How does our Hero get out?

He drive all night...No...

Music: ♫ I'm gonna drive, gonna dri-♫

Cut to:

Scene 4. Sunset Flip Gym & Dojo, Hollywood. Day.

MUSIC: '♫ I'm gonna drive, gonna drive alll night' ♫

Back to reality. I'm in a gym. A sunny day is shining through the windows.

I pick up.

Sebastian (on phone): Yeah, I'm here, over by the ring.

Harry went by Harlan Sparks in the ring, a true all-rounder, but not the most exciting. I haven't seen Harry since his relapse, so this will be interesting to se-oh shit.

He rounds the corner and it turns out clean living does the appearance good. He got back in shape, too. Almost fighting strength. Could go back in the ring. I ask him about training me.

Harry: I'm not getting back in the ring.

Sebastian: Not even for me?

Word always was he was a better trainer than a wrestler. Trained half my old locker room but never trained me. A shame cause that the son-of-a-bitch is still the one that's hit me the hardest, and I wanna learn how he does it.

Harry: You coulda called me earlier.

Sebastian: Sorry. Got distracted and didn’t see the card till-

Harry: No, I’ve been out of rehab for four weeks and this is the first I hear from you?

Sebastian: Come on, Har, I have a lot on my plate right now.

Harry: It's alright, I'm f******* with you.

Sebastian: F*** off.

Harry chuckles but then leans forward, voice low, so the ring posts won't hear I guess.

Harry: I'm sorry. You had to...see me like that. But thank you, really. You could've ignored me, but you didn't. You came to my place, dealt with the mess, got me water. I owe you a lot for that. And I, uh....hate that I put you through that.

We hug it out. he cries a little into my shoulder.

Sebastian: How about I cash in your guilt for some training? owe me some training sessions. Then you don't have to feel it anymore.

Harry: Sounds fair.

I mime, throwing a wad of bills on the floor.

Sebastian: That's yours now.

He smirks at me, and I smirk back...who's gonna say it firs-

Both (in unison): "I have paid my whore!"

We cackle. I promise it's hilarious if you've seen the movie.

Cut to:

Scene 5. A Rest Stop in Pasadena, Sunny. Day.

Let's skip past the training montage. No boring nonsense in this movie. We'll go somewhere more exciting.

You see me, refueling my bike when all of a sudden.

The sky explodes as a slim mechanical warrior falls from the sky, gossamer-plated wings on its back, flapping uselessly to get back off the ground and combusting in a plume of fire.

Gold walks out through the flames, covered in oil and soot. He strolls over to Sebastian, and offers him a flask.

Gold: Pineapple Rum?

Sebastian: No thanks. I’m covered.

Sebastian clinks his water bottle against the rum-soaked flask. It’s tradition. Sebastian looks at the wreckage.

SFX: (an even louder explosion wrecks what's left of the mech.)

Sebastian: So. How'd your thing go?

Gold: A high ceiling for improvement. But hey, I heard the Reds are sending reinforcements to Rim. I think it's gonna be the Act III reveal, but don't tell anyone.

Sebastian: Lucky break.

Gold: I still don't realize how The Captain coulda been so wrong.

Sebastian: Do you really not?

Gold shakes his head.

Sebastian: Come on, Gold. Think back.

Gold's Memories flashback before your eyes: There was something off about t way the Captain stood.

Sebastian: All the signs were there.

Flashback: There was something wrong about how his breath smelt.

Sebastian: You just couldn't see them yet...

Flashback: An accidental peak underneath his collar and shows the faintest hint of...husk.

Gold: ...because we needed an Act II reveal.

We look each other in the eye and scream to the sky.

Both: Wake the FUCK up!

Cut to:

Scene 6. My Hotel Room in Reno, Clear skies. Middle of the Night.

I wake the fuck up. And dial the one person I know will 1. Answer this call. and 2. Understand what I'm about to say.

Dee's voice bursts from my phone:

Dee: Hello? What is it? what's going on?

Sebastian (in a cold sweat): Rob Williams is a pineapple, but I've already stolen the mech suit.

The words hang in the air. A riddle inside an enigme trapped in a-

Dee: Yeah, obviously. You crossed a line with Williams, now you can't go back and you're worried he'll take you down with him.

I knew she'd get it.

Deb: The usual strategies won't work on him. AA is out.

Sebastian: I know, but I thought of something that might work. i just...he might actually kill me.

A faint glow of a cigarette pulses in the corner of the hotel room.

Gold: Let him try.

Dee: What are you planning, Bash?

Sebastian: I feel a lot better, thanks Dee!

I hang up and open my laptop.  Gold hovers over my shoulder and nods, smiling as I make a choice.

Cut to (the last one, I promise.):

Scene 7. The Open Road.

I speed on my bike toward the city, and a voice in my head asking:

Gold (v.o.): Can I gamble?

Sebastian: No.

Gold (v.o): Then what are we doing for fun?

Over the horizon, the giant Pineapple comes into view. It arches its crown into the sky and bellows a thunderous ROAR.

Sebastian: Finish what we started. First Dawkins-

Gold (v.o): -then Williams. No matter what it takes?

Sebastian: No matter what it takes from us. Deal?

Gold (v.o): Deal.

The voice fades from my head, and I feel lighter.

Load off my back, locked in, straight for the Fruit I ride.

Fade out.

And that's THE END!