The Five-Headed King

Hello.

It's Reality again.

Nice to speak with you, though I must admit, I do wish the circumstances of our conversation were different.

…I'm depressed, if I'm being honest.

Why? WHY? Have you been living under a rock?

My worst nightmares have come true.

Fred Dick is a winner. He beat Paxton Ray. He beat FLAMBERGE.

And he is… ugh…

…getting a shot at the Universal Title.

What's worse than that?

I'm glad you asked. Happy to tell you.

(🙄)

He is spending nearly all of his time in a place where my powers seem weakened, where my hand can no longer, shall we say, influence the board so easily.

When he goes to this place, time seems to stop, alongside the entire world. It's just him there, with whatever figment of his imagination he has contrived, and enough inhalants to make himself even more susceptible to his own bullshit.

There, he is impervious to me, and thereby the way things really are.

There, he ignores me, and creates his own reality.

The Boiler Room.

Nihilism of the Goat

“You don't have a forehead… you have a five-head.” -Reggie, All About the Benjamins (2002) Fred Dick opens his eyes, and finds himself looking out at a broad and dense jungle, nestled away in the distance.

Fred stammers, “W-W-Whut thuh–”

“You got way, way, waaaay too fucked up, Fred,” The Heartless Goat says as he manifests beside the King of Wrong Style. “Feel that? You’re peaking right now. Don't worry. It doesn't matter. Nothing does. Hey, look at this shid.”

The Heartless Goat presents Fred with a pair of binoculars. Fred places them to his eyes.

In the jungle he can observe a troop of chimpanzees. One of them is morbidly obese. Another is (morbidly?) short. Yet another wears t-shades.

All three of them are flinging poop at one another and jacking off and performing other degenerate acts with eggs. Throwing them, pretending the eggs are their balls, scrambling them, deviling them.

“Can you believe these idiot chimps actually run the whole jungle?” The Heartless Goat asks.

“How the fug could dat be?” Fred asks. “Ain't no lions or some crazy shid like that whut can take them out?”

“Interestingly enough,” the Goat replies. “None have been able.”

“Why?” Fred asks.

The goat points to another.

A five-headed chimp, that is to say, a chimp with five heads, wearing a bright, gold cumberband around his waist. Though he is crownless, it is plain to see that he is king.

“For what, pray tell, are you showin’ me this bullshid, Goat?” Fred asks. “None of this matters, right?”

“Correct,” the Goat says. “But you know what's worse than having a meaningless existence?”

“What?” Fred asks.

“One that sucks ass,” the Goat replies. “Do you see this fucking hole in my chest, Fred? Need I remind you that my heart was ripped out of it?”

“You're goin’ to anyway,” Fred says. “You can't stop talgin’ ‘bout it. Kinda annoyin’, if I'm bein’ real witcha.”

“Well, if you don't beat that Five-Headed King in a couple weeks? You're gonna get your heart ripped out, too. Then we can both sit around, one heartless goat to another, trading stories about how we became this way, obsessing over meaningless shit. How does that sound?”

“Sounds like some shid I don't much feel like doin’,” Fred replies.

“To beat him,” the Goat says. “You'll have to understand why you're in position to beat him. The Five-Headed King has never been attacked by the likes of you. But we'll need to dive, headfirst, into all five of his heads.”

“...is my high gonna last that long?” Fred asks.

“Does the Pope shit in the woods?” The Goat answers.

Apparently, the Pope does shit in the woods.

Because Fred finds himself hurtling head first towards the Five-Headed King’s first head.

Head 1 - Moral

“Fear is the mother of Morality.” - Friedrich Nietzsche Behold, a good king.

He is good to his queen. He is good to his princess. Though he rules the jungle, he is a family man. It would bother him most if he was accused of being evil towards his partner or his daughter.

So concerned he is with being a good king that despite leading a troop of worthless, immoral, scallywag chimps, he remains himself a beacon of that which is good in the jungle.

To remain good for as long as he has, to never fail at being good, is a feat.

A feat he enjoys reaping the benefits of.

“He is a good man! A good father! A good husband!”

When people say these things about him, he beams brightly.

Make no mistake, he is proud of these things.

And he fears what his life would be like if he were not these things. Why?

Because he is afraid of losing that which matters most (HA!).

But you, Fred?

You have never been afraid of losing that which you thought mattered most. You've lost those things again and again and again. One was taken from you as a boy. The guy with the remote control? Remember?

DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM!

Okay, okay. Sorry.

The point is, once you lost that? You were never afraid to lose anything.

And you were never afraid to take what you wanted, either.

You've lost your queen.

You've lost your princes and princesses.

Time, and time, and time again.

It’s only made you into the man you are now.

One step away from being the Champion.

Do you understand, Fred?

You are not moral. You are not immoral. Through ignorance you have fashioned yourself a suit of amorality. In so many areas and facets, where the King is vulnerable in his moral garb, you are not.

The King is afraid to die, not for existential reasons, mind you, but because he is moral. If you were to beat him mercilessly to his death, his last thoughts would be of leaving his family behind.

You don't care about any of that.

Now that you've met me, you don't care about much of anything at all.

A significant advantage for the challenger, if I do say so myself.

Speaking of championships, let's dive into that second head, shall we?

Head 2 - Champion

“It’s when the king is about to be dethroned that he is the wickedest.” - L.J. Shen What's the first thing you notice about this one, Fred?

It's got eyes all over it, lookin’ as purranoid as my deddy after a three-day meth bender.

Astute observation, Fred. The truth is, he needs each and every one of those eyes to stay watchful. See, that gold cumberband that signifies he is the Champion? Well, you aren't the only one gunning for it.

In fact, his most recent challenger came from his own troop.

But you? You don't need all those eyes. You don't have to be wary of what awaits you around every corner.

You are that which awaits him.

And that gives you an advantage.

You're the challenger. You are free to wait for the precise moment when all of those eyes he has blink at the same time, giving you just a moment for a proper low blow, or an unexpected chair shot.

Now wait just a DAGGUM minute, Goat. The King ain't paranoid about me. Hell, he thinks I'm a dipshid. He GAVE me a title shot.

The King is wise, Fred, and has much experience. With the likes of you, he knows it's best to have you charging towards him, instead of sneaking up from behind. Can you deny this?

…Naw. Hell naw, can't deny it at all. He's right.

He's absolutely right.

But you're the challenger.

You're the one that gets to decide where you launch your attack.

He's the one who has to endure it.

See, though you'll be walking down that entrance ramp, towards the ring where you will make your challenge for the championship, you have the ability to deceive the King.

What does it mean if he has to have eyes in the back of his head?

…Fug, Goat. I'm sorry but, I ain't follerin’ ya logic to gud here.

If you're standing across from the King. And he has eyes in the back of his head, because of the target painted on his back, what does that mean?

…It means that… he ain't got all his eyes on me.

That's exactly right. See, that T-Shaded Chimp we saw a while back? He, and the fat one, and the short one, are all likely to involve themselves in your challenge in some capacity, even if it's just to guard the ring. And though Coral may have given them a directive to not involve themselves in this bout, the T-Shaded one wants that championship too. Maybe an “ill-timed” superkick “accidentally” hits the Champion, instead of you?

Remember the lizard you beat? He wanted your neck so bad, he fucked himself right out of a victory. Funny as that is, he's certainly capable of obsessing over the King’s neck just as much, or more, than he did yours.

The old but young blood, the Benedict Arnold known as Max Kael, they're all wanting a piece of the King.

Everyone on this roster does.

And he has an eye for each and every one of them.

Meaning he never has two of them on you.

While you? Your eyes can remain on him until the challenge is over.

This is your advantage as a challenger.

But be wary. If you have him against the ropes, in his desperation he will become all the more threatening. For this is the nature of champions.

Now, you see the big ass target painted on his back?

It's up to you to hit that bullseye. I know you can.

Let's move on, and see how you will.

Head 3 - Unwavering

“..Better a steadfast enemy than an uncertain fiend.” - George Eliot What do you think about this one, Fred?

DAYUM! This head righchere’s sturdy as a muhfugga. It don't move not nary a bit. Steady as a gunslanger’s hand before the draw!

That's exactly right.

Let's carry that metaphor you've presented a little further.

The fug’s a metaphor?

Who gives a fuck? It doesn't matter. Listen. If a gunslinger has a plan, he's going through with that plan no matter what. If the plan is to meet up with a superior gunslinger at high noon, take twelve steps, turn and shoot? Then he's going to meet up with the superior gunslinger at high noon, take twelve steps, turn and shoot.

A steady-handed King is not dissimilar. Whatever his plan in your challenge for that championship ends up being, he will see it through. And why wouldn't he? The King remains a King because of this. The Gunslinger does the same.

That sounds stupid as fug to me, Goatsy.

…Don't love that nickname, but anyway, that's because it is stupid as fuck. These unwavering types, steadfast and steady-handed, oftentimes they think of themselves as paragons of some value system, as monoliths stood against winds of change that attempt to weather and erode them.

Do you remember what you did to that preacher? The one whose church… you know…

The one whose church I may or may not’ve burned to tha fuggin’ ground. Uh, yeah, I'd say I remember that preacher, Goatsy.

Again, not thrilled with the nickname, but good. Though he lacked many of the King’s heads, he had one like this, didn't he? Unwavering. He was always going to do what he always did.

You knew that.

And that's how you made him pay.

The King is similar, Fred. He is going to do what he always does. He isn't going to cheat to win. He's going to try his hardest to put on a good show. And regardless of what happens in your challenge for the title, he will be committed to these values such that win or lose, he will remain unwavering in those commitments.

But you, dear Fred. You're the opposite. Hell, you've never been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I believe you'd be the first to admit that up to now you've lived your life and managed your career by swinging from one extreme to another.

Well, no point in stopping now.

If you're going to be unwavering about anything, Fred, be unwavering about your willingness to waver. If things stop going your way, change the plan. If a steady hand isn't helping you in your challenge, abandon the hand for the feet.

Do you understand?

Naw. Naw I don't get it.

Look. What's better for you? Sticking with the plan to meet the superior gunslinger – and make no mistake Fred, the King is a superior gunslinger, at high noon, taking twelve paces, drawing and shooting? Or something else?

I'd probably go ahead, turn around at three paces, and shoot him in the back.

That's being willing to waver.

Oh, hell yeah I get it gud now. 

This is your third advantage over the champion. It is significant, and you need to be aware of it.

Okie dokie.

Onward, Fred, to the forehead.

The huh?

Sorry, the fourth head.

Head 4 - Rational

“Chaos is rejecting all you have learned, Chaos is being yourself.” - Emil Cioran What's the first thing you notice about this head, Fred?

Lots of maths in it. Lots of Al Gore rhythms. Lot of damn logic. If A is B and B is C, then A is C. But how the fug an A gon’ be a B? Nawmean? Fug all dat shid. How bout dis righchere? Fug the alpherbet!!!

Now that's exactly what I'm talking about, Fred. I love that about you. See, the King is rational. One could even say he's hyper rational. Because of this, he's very talented at following sequences to their natural conclusions. He's smart, you gotta give him that.

You ain't smart, are ya Fred?

Whatchu mean, like, book smart? Nah. My grades sucked. Even when I tried. So I stopped tryin’. Fug school, big time. Right in the butt-ace, nawmean?

Absolutely. No one's ever accused you of being intelligent. No one's ever said, “There goes Fred Dick, the most rational person I know.”

Don't get your feelings hurt, Fred. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Nothing does. But, you know what? I'm gonna tell you something that no one's ever said to you before.

It's a good thing you aren't smart. It's a good thing you're irrational.

You aren't just irrational, by the way. You're completely and utterly irrational. You're as irrational as it gets in this whole wrestling business.

But… that makes you absolutely unpredictable.

It makes you an animal.

It makes you the embodiment of chaos.

And one thing, the only thing, that the rational mind struggles against time and time again, is chaos.

It seeks to make order of the chaos. Hell, the whole of science can be described as man's attempt to organize all the chaos it observes.

Science ain't real.

…Kay. That's a take. You know what? I love it. That's exactly the kind of irresponsible, irrational thinking it's going to take to get you the championsh–

Nah, I'm bein' serious. Science ain't real. I tried to build me a time machine – this was a while back, mind ya – but I tried to go back in time and see my dead ace, bitch ace mama. Didn't work. Science is bullshid.

Fred, I know all about it. You tried to build a time machine from a Dr. Dreadful Food Lab and a car because you watched Back to the Future… and that's exactly the kind of forward thinking you're going to need in that ring.

Your chaotic nature provides you a rare element of surprise.

No one knows what you're going to do next.

Not even you.

That's your fourth advantage. Your irrationality. Do not try to outthink the King, Fred. He'll mop the floor with you if you try that.

Instead, out-instinct him. Out-animal him. Become the beast, unburdened by logic and rationale, that must only kill or be killed. Go full on, balls out chaos goblin. Make a monster of yourself that cannot be quantified or measured. Become an entity that cannot be logically explained, nor the chaos it brings.

THIS is how you win.

Hell yeah. Four advantages!

There's one more for us to explore.

Head 5 - Safe

“Being safe doesn't mean you won't be sorry.” - Katerina Stoykova What do you think of this head, Fred?

It makes me feel good. Makes me feel like a baby in a crib with a mama sangin’ me purdy songs until I fall asleep.

It makes you feel safe, doesn't it?

That's it! That's exactly it!

The King is safe, Fred. Bizarre as it may be for the likes of you, when you challenge him he will actually attempt to avoid injuring you.

Dumber’n heyell, if y'ask me.

Agreed. Absolutely.

In fact, the entire jungle looks at the King and sees him as safe. He's safe to follow. Safe to fight. He is a safe man, and because of this, his family and everyone close to him is safe. Because of this, his championship has been safe as well. If the fat chimp and the short chimp believed they were safer with the T-Shade Chimp leading them, he would be.

But he's not.

Even chimpanzees love feeling safe.

But you?

You, my utterly meaningless friend, are not safe.

The people near you are not safe. Your family are not safe because of you. Hell, you sent your own father to prison.

You went one-on-one with one of the most vicious men on the planet, in one of the most heinous matches ever conceived, and you beat him.

An organization of concerned citizens exists simply in protest of your existence.

Max Kael, a man few would call safe in his own right, kept you in an impenetrable box while he interviewed you on the Red Manifesto.

All of this is because you are, literally, one of the most dangerous people on earth to be around.

Would you have ripped my heart out of my chest and eaten it as well? Who knows? I never would've found out, because I never would've trusted you to begin with.

Your reputation as a dangerous person precedes you.

This is your final, and greatest, advantage.

The King has yet to be challenged for his championship by a challenger as dangerous as you.

You're capable of anything.

And you must be willing to do anything to win.

Sacrifice your body. Sacrifice your life. Sacrifice the King's body. His life. None of it matters.

You're dangerous enough to put him out of this business, if you really want to.

But I think we'd settle for winning the fucking championship, don't you?

Besides, winning that match, you may as well be setting a fire to the whole wrestling industry, and watching it burn down.

They don't want you to be the champion.

And by they, I mean the industry.

There's not a damn thing about you that says you should be the Champion.

And as I've illustrated, that's exactly why you can be. You just need a little gasoline to get the fire going.

Let's get out of these heads and return to whence we came.

Annihilism of the Goat

Here me well, Fred Dick.

Look at that jungle again.

A fire burns through it and approaches the unsuspecting chimps rapidly.

How did it start?

Well, let me explain.

The dust has settled on a year-long power play between the T-Shaded Chimp and his Five-Headed King.

The King remains.

The T-Shaded Chimp licks his wounds. The fat chimp remains fat. The short chimp remains short.

All is right in the jungle, or so it seems.

That is, until a goat showed up and set a fire that will burn the whole jungle down.

Look at that blazing inferno.

Don't you see, Fred? This is your fire to start.

None of it matters. Not the jungle. Not the championship. Not the fire.

You are amoral. You are the challenger. You waver when it's appropriate. You're chaos personified.

And most of all, you're dangerous.

The world should've never let you live.

But it did.

Reality should've checked you before you ever made it this far.

But it didn't.

Therefore, they are yours to burn.

This is the next step in your education, Fred.

That championship is fucking meaningless.

That jungle is fucking meaningless.

So take it.

Burn it all down, and take it.

This is no mere Nihilism, Fred, but Annihilism.

Your path to victory.

And though your victory will be meaningless, your existence will not suck ass.

It will very much rule.

It will rule like a Five-Headed King.

…Moments before the fire you started swallows him whole.

“In each moment the fire rages, it will burn away a hundred veils. And carry you a thousand steps toward your goal.” -Rumi