Caretakers

Paxton’s Anger Journal 7/29/2024

Been thinkin a lot bout caretakers lately. 

Maybe cause I got one of my biggest matches comin up against a man who is a caretaker. But it’s like buyin a new car and seein em everywhere on the road. I’m focused on it cause bein a caretaker is what I wanna be most in the world right now. 

Obviously I mean with Nora, cause I’m still a caretaker in other ways. It’s easy to forget that I’m a trainer at a wrestlin school – and I do forget sometimes.

_______

Petra Brandt’s tongue stuck out of the top corner of her mouth as she scribbled in her journal. She looked at the clock on the gym wall, then snorted and continued writing.

She felt a gust of wind behind her and turned to see Julian Bathory, Director of MESSIAH, stride into the room. She tucked her journal under her leg and murmured, “Forever the Crown.”

“Forever the Crown. Waiting on your trainer again?”

“This is the problem with hiring Americans. They are lazy and do not honor their obligations.”

Bathory nodded. “This has become too common. I will speak with him.” The Carpathian Devil closed the distance between him and Petra and loomed over her. “But now I must speak with you.”

Petra looked up at Bathory with a forced smile. “What can I help you with?”

“Now that,” Bathory said, grinning, “is the kind of enthusiasm we need more of. I do need your help.” Though there was a seat behind him, Bathory remained standing. “As you said, Paxton Ray has been derelict in his duties. I assume I know why, but more than his goals of reunion, he is captivated by a woman. He follows her, aligns himself with her purposes instead of ours. I asked you to keep him close, and you have not done that.”

Petra had hung her head, but now stared up at Bathory with fire in her eyes. “I am not MESSIAH’s whore.”

“You are not, but you are MESSIAH’s. Our community, from top to bottom, only thrives when there is cohesion, communication, and cooperation.” Bathory’s grin faded as he stared down at her. “Paxton Ray is a simple man, as most men are. He can be swayed by a good woman. Certainly a better woman than some nurse with a heart of gold and father issues.”

Bathory walked towards the exit of the gym. “Take care of Paxton Ray, and pray that I don’t have to take care of this situation for you.” The sound of the door slamming echoed off of the walls and into the air. Petra sighed, then waited for Paxton to arrive so she could take care of him.

And she waited.

And waited.

After an hour had gone by, she walked to her locker and put her journal in it, then slammed the locker door. The sound was less intimidating than Bathory's slam. She rested her head against the locker.

“Where are you, Paxton?”

_______

I been mendin things with Julie. I been workin with my former friends turned enemies turned allies to get Nora back. I been takin care of business in PRIME. Somethin was bound to slip, and I guess it’s my work at MESSIAH.

It’s probably suspicious but I can’t really worry about that right now.

Other stuff needs my attention. Julie has been jumpy since I fought her dad. Shweta has me comin to the new headquarters every few days, not to do anythin but just to be there. Which means I’ve also been slowly tryin to talk to the man I paralyzed almost two years ago. And now Shweta’s been distracted by somethin, so I spend most of my time waitin.

So yeah, I’m slackin as a trainer. But who cares? Anytime I think of Petra, or checkin on Quinn’s recovery, all I can think of is that they are part of the reason my daughter is sittin in a compound right now, probably scared out of her mind.

_______

“Don’t touch me,” Nora Matthews said, pulling her hand back.

Miss Jenny, MESSIAH’s caretaker at this compound, hid her grimace and took two measured breaths before responding. “Nora, we talked about this. You need to share TV time with the other children. Now give–”

“I want to watch my dad! You don’t let me talk to him anymore, so I want to see him on TV!”

“Nora, that programming is too scary for the other children here.”

Nora scowled and looked down. “Who cares? You’re just going to take them away anyway.”

“Excuse me?”

“Everyone leaves. New kids every few weeks, but never me. Why am I the only kid to stay here?”

Miss Jenny stared at Nora for a few moments before nodding. “I will be back.” She walked from the center of the compound to one of the front rooms, interrupting the idle chatter of two men in suits. “I can’t do this anymore. The wrestler’s girl is a problem. When you first brought her here, she was sweet and shy. Now she is rude and unruly, acting more like her father. She needs to be moved. She needs to be handled.”

“Can’t,” grunted Wilhelm Von Krauser, leaning against the wall. “She’s an untouchable. Let her whine all she wants. Let her throw things. But she must be protected.”

“And that is what you were hired to do, Jenny,” Dimitri Gouskos said, standing up and walking over to her. “Not every sheep follows the shepherd at first. Find a way to make her listen, and if you can’t, we'll find someone else who will.”

“Don’t you dare threaten me,” Jenny said, shaking her head and frowning as she felt her curls flop out of place. She reached up and grabbed the yellow scarf she used as a headband and re-tied it around her forehead. “Director Bathory specifically picked me for this. He knows my value to MESSIAH. I am more important than some girl who misses her daddy. Now you are going to tell me that you’re going to speak to Director Bathory and keep this nine-year-old from hell in line!”

Gouskos and Von Krauser shared a look, then the former grinned and nodded. “Of course, Jenny. We will speak to the Director. It’ll be taken care of soon.”

Jenny smirked and turned on her heel, walking back to the TV room. She saw Nora sitting in front of the television, which showed Paxton Ray standing in a ring covered in blood and broken glass. Nora’s eyes were big and tear-filled.

“Daddy, where are you?” she whispered.

_______

Paxton ducked his head under a hanging beam as he entered the warehouse. He took a few steps in before seeing Jonathan Rhine roll past him.

“Nice mask,” Jonathan grunted. Their interactions had not thawed much since he started coming here, but Paxton did notice less outright vitriol from his former tag team partner.

Paxton instinctively touched the mask he was wearing to protect his broken nose. “Got anythin’ for me today?”

“I’ve got plenty for you,” Rhine muttered, wheeling past him towards Shweta’s office, “but Shweta probably won’t like my suggestions, so you better see her instead.”

“Fair ‘nough.” Paxton followed him into Shweta’s office. She was hunched over her desk, her usual perfect posture sacrificed in the name of whatever she was writing. Paxton waited for her to look up. When she didn’t, he cleared his throat fruitlessly.

“Hey Shway,” Paxton said after half a minute had gone by.

“Oh,” she said, blinking rapidly as she sat up, moving her notebook under a sweater. “Sorry, Paxton. I’ve been…”

“Distracted, yeah. An’ I’m ready for ya t’tell me why.”

Heaving a sigh, Shweta stood up, still unable to correct her posture as she leaned down to rest her hands on the desk. “Fine. I’ve made some headway on MESSIAH’s compounds after talking with the man you found in Wales. I have been investigating them, and not all of them are legitimate leads. But something else came up earlier this month.”

“An’ what’s that?”

“Foster’s ex-wife,” Jonathan answered. “She went missing on 4th of July from an apartment outside Tokyo.”

“An’ ya think it has somethin’ t’do with Nora?”

“No,” Shweta answered. “But I still…”

“Then why does it matter?” Paxton asked. “She prob’ly jus’ got tired of Rosy and found somebody else. Or hell, maybe Foster killed her. Seems the type.”

“It matters because Magen is a good woman who needs help, and Shweta wants to help her.” Paxton felt pressure on his big toe as Jonathan’s wheel pressed up against it. The New Life sneered up at Paxton. “This is what drives me crazy about you, Pax. You’re so fucking selfish that you can’t imagine anyone else deserving help.”

Paxton swallowed a rebuttal and looked over at Shweta. “Ya can’t take care a’everybody, Shway.”

She didn’t answer, but her boyfriend did. “If that’s true, maybe she should just focus on Magen.” Paxton turned angrily, but Jonathan was already wheeling away. “Not like you’ve done anything in your shitty life to make your cause more–”

He stopped as his wheel hit the doorframe, sending him sprawling to the floor. As soon as he clattered, his hands shot up to his neck and he let out a sound that made Paxton’s stomach turn.

“Jon!” Shweta shouted, jumping over the wheelchair and righting it, then bending over to scoop him up. He groaned, his hands clutching his neck.

“Did ya hit your neck?” Paxton asked.

“His neck has been in pain for the past few weeks. Julie said the doctors think he might need another surgery. Jon, did you take your medicine this morning?” Jonathan tried to shake his head, which caused another yelp of pain. “Here, let’s get you back in your chair and I’ll grab it.” She slowly and deliberately lifted Jon until he could fall back into his chair, then stood and walked back to her desk, grabbing a pill bottle and water.

As she handed both to Jon, she looked up at Paxton. “I may not be able to take care of everyone, Paxton, but it’s my duty to try.”

_______

I ain’t the only caretaker around, I know it. Shweta keeps a thousand plates spinnin on her fingers like some kinda halftime show act. Whenever I think I’m jugglin too much I look at her and my hands feel more empty. I just hope she can handle everything and get my daughter back.

And in a little over a week I get to face one of PRIME’s greatest caretakers, Donny Winters, for the Five Star Title.

That description fits in two ways. Don has a flock of followers, and he works hard to make sure their needs are met. I don’t care much for religion, and my experience with MESSIAH makes me leery of any sort of group like his, but he seems genuine enough. 

Then there’s the literal meanin. Dude’s been takin care of business in PRIME for a minute now. Won the title from Rob Williams at Culture Shock, hasn’t let go of it, been undefeated for damn near half a year now. He’s strong, he’s experienced, he’s dangerous.

I been takin care of business myself lately. Got my win back from Sykes, took Fred Dick past his limits in Portugal. And I ain’t never cared that deeply bout wins and losses, because I usually just live for the fight. 

But I know that takin care of business in the ring helps me take care of it out of the ring. If I ain’t gonna be the most present trainer in the world, the best way to keep my cover as one of MESSIAH’s goons is to bring a title home. Show em that I’m a good soldier. Keep my name above board for a bit.

So at Rev53 I’m gonna give Winters everything I got and more to keep takin care of business.

_______

As Shweta tended to Jon’s pain, Paxton exited the office and looked up at the exposed second floor, where he saw a bun of brown hair bouncing about. Grinning, he climbed the stairs to find Julie hunched over a table. “Damn, everybody’s workin’ hard today, ain’t they?”

Julie looked up and smiled. “Hey Paxton. Just working on these fliers Shweta wanted.” Paxton looked over her shoulder to see a bunch of letters he didn’t recognize surrounding a face he did recognize. “Wow, is that Magen? Did ya draw that?”

“Yeah,” she said, turning redder. “We could’ve used a picture but Shweta said it might be more impactful if we make it like art.”

“Well that’s definitely art. I didn’t know ya were so talented.” Paxton chuckled. “Or ya spoke Japanese.”

“I don’t. Shweta provided the letters. She says they’re right.” Julie put her pencil down and looked up at Paxton. “I didn’t know when I started physical therapy with Jon that I’d be part of two different missing person rescues, but I’m happy I can help in any way.”

“I’m jus’ happy t’have ya around.” Paxton put a hand on her shoulder, then noticed as she subtly shifted her shoulder away from him. “Uh, Julie…ya all right?”

After thinking for a moment, Julie nodded towards the bench. “Can you sit down please?” Paxton complied and looked at her as she returned her eyes to the flier. “I know I’ve been a bit hard to deal with lately, since everything happened with my dad.”

“‘S all good. You’re dealin’ with some shit.”

“Yeah. And you’ve been really sweet and patient. But right now…I look at you, and I feel your touch, and…I keep seeing my dad’s face. I know it's weird, and I’m talking about it in therapy, but…”

“But ya need t’see a little less a’my face right now. I get it.”

“No, the opposite. I need to be around you so I can get back to where I was. My brain cares for you deeply, Paxton. I just don’t think my body is ready for you right now.”

Paxton nodded. “Yeah. No worries.” He stood up, scratching the back of his neck. “Uh, all good. Yeah. Jus’ lemme know when.” He walked towards the stairs.

“Wait, Paxton.” He turned around and raised his eyebrows. “Thank you for taking care of me.”

Paxton smiled. “Yeah, no problem.”

_______

Don and I are similar. I think we both came into PRIME showing one side of ourselves, then circumstances around us made us change. He was kinda egotistical, closed-minded, one track. And I think you could accuse me of being the same.

He’s got a cause he believes in. So do I. And I think our causes made us try to do the right thing as often as possible. He’s a bit stiffer than me, maybe less inclined to let loose, but we're trying to be good people.

And I think we both fail at it sometimes.

We’re all humans. We have flaws. And even when we try to do the right thing, and we recognize our flaws, they still dictate our decisions. I still have an ego. I’m impulsive. I know Don’s got an ego too. 

We can say and do all the right things, but all it takes is one slip-up to remind us that we haven’t changed as much as we’d like to think.

_______

Paxton slammed the door of his truck, but it caught on an object in the door. Bending over to pick it up, he smiled.

It was Nora’s booster seat, a gaudy purple thing with Elsa and Anna from Frozen all over it. They gave it to her on her sixth birthday, about four months before finding out she had cancer. It was expensive, and Paxton grumbled about it, but seeing her eyes light up made it all worth it. It was one of the only things he fought Melissa for in the divorce, because he thought Nora would be more excited to spend time with him.

He was so wrapped up in memories and wondering if Nora even needed a booster seat now that he didn’t sense the person behind him until she tapped him on the shoulder. He whirled around, holding the booster seat up, then lowered it when he saw Petra Brandt. “Jesus, Petra. Ya scared the shit outta me.”

“I can tell you did not expect to see me today. Though I expected to see you at the gym.”

Paxton sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’ve been distracted.” Paxton caught himself and smiled. “Ya know, for this title match.”

“Training others can help you focus your own skills and mind. Don Winters is a strong hitter with thick skin. You should be training so you can hit as hard as he can.”

“I can already hit as hard as anyone can,” Paxton muttered. “So why are ya here? T’make me feel bad for skippin’ trainin’? I’ll save ya time. I feel bad. I’ll see ya tomorrow.”

“Not good enough,” Petra said, stepping closer to him. “You owe me a workout. So let’s go inside and do one.”

“I ain’t got no speedbags in there.”

“We don’t need them. We can find another way to work out.”

Paxton shook his head. “Where the hell did this come from?”

Petra reached out and placed a hand on his forearm. Her nails were manicured, far too pretty for someone who used them to hit other people. He looked from her nails to her face and was taken aback with her intense stare. “You have been neglecting us. I do not feel wanted. Make me feel wanted.”

“Now listen here. Ya kissed me. I asked ya for more an’ ya told me no. So I gotta ask again. Where did this come from?”

“Why ask? Why not just enjoy?” Petra gripped his forearm and began walking towards his front door.

Paxton grimaced as he followed her, dropping the booster seat on his lawn. “Fuck.”

_______

I wonder if bein caretakers is one of our flaws.

Tryin to do everythin. Be everythin for everyone. It takes a toll. I can see it on Shweta’s face. I can feel it as days go by and nothin gets fixed.

I’m sure Winters feels it too. Stretchin too thin. Tryin to be a shepherd, tryin to fight back all those urges. To be a calm leader and a rageful fighter all at once. Sometimes it feels better to take care of ourselves. To not worry bout everythin else. To just be a person and not a provider.

Maybe it’s true. But no matter what, there’s one person I’ll never want to stop takin care of. So I have my flaws, and I’ll make my mistakes, but I’m gonna make it all worth it when I bring Nora home. 

_______

Nora looked at the clock. She had been alone since breakfast. She was used to being alone during the lean weeks when more kids left than arrived, but it felt spooky because she hadn’t seen any adults.

She walked over to the bucket of toys with the same dozen action figures and books that she had looked at and played with over and over again. She picked up the Elsa figure and waved it around lazily, wishing for the thousandth time that she had her Mighty Thor action figure with her.

She heard a sound behind her and looked up in fear at the angry man, the one who scared her. He was smiling, which scared her more.

“Hey, Nora. We have a new friend for you today.” But instead of a child, he stepped to the side to reveal a woman with dark brown hair. She had kind eyes, but Nora recognized the same fear she felt in them. She knew this woman wasn't part of the group like Miss Jenny was.

“Where’s Miss Jenny?” Nora asked.

“She had to leave for a while. But you’re in good hands.” The scary man wrapped a yellow scarf around his hands and laughed, a sound that made Nora grit her teeth. He walked away and the timid woman sat down next to her.

“Do you like Elsa?” the woman asked. Nora didn’t respond. “My son loved her growing up.”

After a moment, Nora wrinkled her nose. “Most boys like Olaf.”

“He liked him too, but he loved how strong Elsa was. She lost control of her powers, and she was really scared, but she fought to control them so she could save everyone."

"I like that about her too." Nora looked at the doll. "You seem scared."

The woman sighed. "I am scared. But it's okay to be scared. We just have to be strong like Elsa. It’s hard to be strong sometimes, but I think we can be if we try.”

“Yeah, I think so too,” Nora said after a moment. She looked up at the woman’s eyes and saw the fear leave them, replaced with the kindness she saw before. “I’m Nora.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Nora. My name is Magen.”