I'm Struggling, Even Though I'm The One That Tied Me Up

Why? 

Why did it happen this way?

Why is everything falling to shit just when it seemed like I was finally making progress?

Because you're not good enough.

I know…

Shut the fuck up. Don't listen to her. You know she's just trying to drag you down. 

She's right, though. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough for Sid. I wasn't good enough to keep the Alias title.

Stop that. We know how hard it is to climb out of that hole once you start digging. Look at the positives. 

Positives? The dumb bitch lost. She lost her man. She lost her title. Probably gonna walk away empty handed from Iron Will. She's a fucking failure.

I am a failure…

Oh yeah, cuz the spooky goth bitch is the one to listen to? Remind us what your record in PRIME was? 

That was then. I'm different now. I should be in control! We wouldn't waste time with this love bullshit. We wouldn't be acting scared of that jacked-up Japanese jackass! We would've won. 

Uh huh. He beat her cuz he outwrestled her. You weren't gonna do any better in that department. In fact, your stupid ass would've probably gotten us disqualified. 

And? We would've kept the title and made that piece of garbage bleed. I don't see any downside to that. 

Don't think Rainbow would've been satisfied with that.

I wouldn't. I woulda given the title up. Using DQs to save your title is a punk bitch move.

See? There's still fight in you! It's not time to give up. We just need to double down and work harder. This isn't gonna get any easier from here. Ignore the bullshit. Ignore Tony Gamble’s stupid ass. We own him anyway. 

I just… I'm so tired… I feel so deflated… I don't have that energy, that perkiness I had when we came back. I feel drained. I don't know what to do…

… You want me to take over for a bit? 

Fuck you! If anyone is, it should be me! 

Eat a dick.

No… Not yet, anyway. I have to try. If I just run away, even into myself, then I'm just proving the naysayers right. I have to try and come back from this, from everything. I can't give up. 

That's what I like to hear. Your story isn't done. This was a rough chapter, but it's not the final one. We'll get you back up and running. I have faith in us. 

How sweet. I wish I had a physical body so I could fucking puke right now. You're wasting our time! Let me out. Let me do what I need to do. 

Again, shut the fuck up. Who even asked your opinion? And “what you need to do?” What kind of cryptic nonsense is that? 

You'll see. When the time is right, you'll see. 

Just… Leave me alone, Nightshade. I don't need your negative garbage right now. Lockhart? Thank you. You might be a bit of a stick in the mud, but you're a good reminder of how much kindness can pick someone up.

Don't mention it. Now what are you gonna do? 

I'm gonna get back up on that fuckin’ horse and make sure it knows who's boss!

June 28, 2024

Lisbon, Portugal

After Tropical Turmoil Night One

The different buildings blended together, an oil painting done either deliberately for style or one that wasn't shown enough care. A blur. That's what life felt like for RIA after the loss to Kerry Kuroyama. She was there, present in her body, but she was very much a passenger. Autopilot was in full control. Her eyes, usually sparkling and bright, were just off from barren.

She didn't bother connecting with Kohime and Nate after his big win. She was happy for him. He had earned the victory and the after party that would follow. The rain cloud that was currently following her wouldn't have been suited to the jovial atmosphere. She needed time, space. The hot water that hit her body in the shower post match did little to mend her aches and pains. Her pride stung. No defenses, tapping out like a coward. No amount of physical treatment would help with that.

She dressed quickly and left the arena in a hurry. No car, no taxi, she chose to walk on foot. RIA did her best thinking while in motion. The stagnation, however temporary, that being in a vehicle brought wasn't a state she could endure right now. She had to be moving, keeping her body in flux, lest it joined her mind in screaming out at her being.

The Psychoberry had considered going and drowning her sorrows in whatever bar or with whichever alcohol she could find. But she had already been drinking too much recently. She also knew the truth. Alcohol wouldn't help fix her problems, only delay or exacerbate them. No drinking for tonight.

Looking around, RIA saw a variety of people. Some were solo, but a number of them were together; couples. Standard hetero partners, some gay pairs (both male and female), even a few non-binary twosomes. She knew how she should feel… She should be jealous. She should be lonely. She should want everyone else to be as miserable as she was. And yet…

A small smile worked its way onto her face. Now we're not talking a grin that would rival something from Tony Gamble or Max Kael. No, this one was far more subtle. And less creepy. Also lacking the maliciousness of the mentioned duo. But why? Why smile at all? This was, in theory, the lowest point in her career. While maybe not the rock bottom moment in her life, it was at least high up on the list.

So why show an expression of happiness? The truth was that when she looked at those people and saw them holding hands, maybe an arm over a shoulder, some sharing a cute or intimate kiss… RIA found herself imagining the joy they brought each other. Something she has set out to do for others when she made her comeback in PRIME.

The truth was that she had lost sight of things. Worse than that, she had kind of lost a piece of herself. But just because something was lost didn't mean it couldn't be found. Yes, Sid was gone. Herself and Anna Daniels had been having more and more disagreements. The Alias title was gone. It hurt. It hurt pretty damn bad. But there was certainty in all of that.

All those problems were temporary. Yes, her boyfriend wasn't coming back. That didn't mean either of their lives were over. Sid would always have a piece of her heart. She knew the same was true the other way. But they both deserved happiness on their own. She was starting to realize while holding on might seem like love, it was also toxic to herself.

The tiffs between RIA and Anna might be more common than ever before, but the two always made it. The anger never lasted. Even if the women weren't related by blood, the love they shared was every bit as strong as natural siblings. The bad times would pass and they'd be back to their usual smartass exchanges in no time.

The Lockout Championship… The Psychoberry had wanted to put her everything into that title. Maybe she had set her goals too high, made the bar too lofty? She could take solace in the fact that no one with a serious opinion could call her scared. Not only that, but not everyone was peak Jason Snow. Titles could be won and lost in short order, especially in the meat grinder that is PRIME. Other chances would come along if she kept fighting.

How could RIA spread love and joy to others if she herself didn't feel it? Maybe she'd have to lie to herself for a bit. It had to be better than wallowing in misery. Perhaps she might even believe it if she repeated often enough, for long enough? Or, best case scenario, the falsehood could turn true. The former Lockhart didn't really have any other path to take that didn't result in some negativity. Time to do what she had done ever since she was a teenager; push through the pain with a smile.

Back in the States. She felt… lighter. The physical lightness stung, but the mental lightness, the unloading of burden that had plagued her the last week or so. RIA was in her room of the apartment she and Kohime shared. On her bed was an empty, discreet cardboard box. It had purpose. It wouldn't stay empty long.

She slowly stepped towards a spot on her display in her room, gently scooping up a framed photo. The picture in question? One of her and Sid, dressed as Poison and Hugo from Halloween last year. It was a fun night, one she cherished almost as much as the first date night the two had shared almost two years ago. She stared at the picture, a forlorn smile creeping onto her face.

“I'm ready to let you go.”

RIA slowly raised the picture to her face, a tender kiss finding its way onto the Sid side of the picture. Gently into the box it went. That weird, dumbass shirt with all the sleeves on it that Max gave Sid? The one RIA turned into an awesome sweater dress? Into the box. Trinket after trinket, memory after memory found their way into the cardboard container. She took great care in the way she packed the box.

Even if this was an attempt to move on, that didn't mean these things weren't precious to her. Otherwise, RIA would've just grabbed a garbage bag. Once the box was near full, and the Psychoberry was satisfied with her ‘spring cleaning’, she folded the top flaps over top of one another. She could have taped it, but she didn't couldn't bring herself to do it. Even though a simple knife swipe would open it back up, it would feel like closing part of her heart.

She lifted the box, carefully carrying it over to her closet. In it went, deep enough not to be seen regularly, but not so buried so that it couldn't be pulled back out with minor effort. Maybe this was a half measure? Maybe this wouldn't be enough to keep moving forward? But it was the compromise RIA had made; a way to shield her heart while still keeping it open.

RIA waltzed out of her bedroom and into the main living area. Sitting on the couch, perusing on her phone was Kohime. Anyone familiar with the pair of friends knew their time together had been at it's most limited during the European tour. RIA was traveling a ton and Kohime saw her relationship with Nate grow deeper than she had ever imagined.

They were back home now. Yes, there would still be less time than before. But at least there'd be some. Making dinners, personal conversations, the old routine. Similar but different. It would take some time to adjust, but they had built their friendship up this far. A little adjustment wouldn't break things.

RIA strolled up to the couch. She jumped up and sideways, crashing down on the furniture back first, her head onto Kohime's lap.

“OOMF!” Mori blurted out at the sudden disturbance smacking into her legs and stomach. Gripping her phone in both hands, she quickly raised it up and looked down. The Technicolor Comforter of Wrestling was smiling up at her from below.

“Hey.” RIA casually greeted Mori with that dazzling, ever so slightly troubling smile that was a trademark of hers. Despite the slight discomfort from her friend's entry, Kohime couldn't help but giggle and smile in return.

“Uh, hi, Miss Ria!” Kohime beamed. It had felt like awhile since she'd seen the former Lockhart shine like this.

“I had an idea.” RIA spoke. “How about we have a pizza and movie night? Watch some fun shit and stuff our faces?”

“Oh yeah?” Mori started to gently play with her friend's hair. “What kind of movies did you have in mind?”

Kohime knew what RIA's tastes in movies typically were; horror, blood, guts, violence or raunchy humor. She wasn't going to judge her friend for her tastes in entertainment, but those types of movies weren't for the young Japanese woman. Sometimes it was fun to laugh at the particularly poorly made horror movies, but that was about it. The smile stayed on RIA's face, but morphed into something softer, more delicate. Welcoming.

“Well, I was thinking a couple of Disney flicks.” The Psychoberry cooed. “Kinda got a desire to watch Beauty and the Beast and Hunchback of Norte Dame.”

Mori tilted her head, a grin of surprise masking her face. This was an unexpected development.

“I like those movies.” Kohime gently replied. “But this is kind of unlike you. Why those movies?”

RIA shrugged, the look of pleasantness still taking up residence on her face.

“Dunno. I kinda like movies where the girl can look past a monster’s external appearance to see their inner beauty.” RIA quipped. “Surely, that's it and this isn't some cry of loneliness on my part!”

Mori giggled once more. She knew there was probably a hint of seriousness to the Psychoberry's words, but she didn't want to ruin the mood. And pizza sounded really good right now.

“Can we get anchovies on half?!” Kohime excited asked. RIA let a mock look of disgust cross her face, pretending to gag while dramatically kicking her legs.

“So gross!” RIA playfully taunted. “But fine, we'll get anchovies on half.”

“Yes!” Kohime happily pumped both of her fists in celebration. RIA pulled her phone out of the pocket of her sweatpants, tapping away. Mori continued to stare down at her friend as the pizza order was being entered. “You have a match coming up on ReVival, don't you? Nate's in that big crazy tag match.”

RIA's smile returned to that mix of cotton candy coated in poison. Delightful and devious. She playfully scoffed, eyes locked onto Kohime's.

“Oh yeah, my match. About that…”

Seán O'Neill! Seány-longy-dingdong! Seány-Booooooy! The ring, the ring is caaaaaaalling! Alright, enough goofing. We both know why this match is happening. It's weird. I've been called out, threatened, verbally abused time and time again. Not sure I can remember the last time I was called out to step into the ring with someone in order to HELP them! Pretty fuckin’ strange situation, strange times. 

Ya see, Seán, I haven't been in the best headspace for the last few weeks. Hell, it might even be months at this point. I kinda got off track, wandered off the beaten path and into a dark, unmarked trail. And hey, real talk? Sometimes a person needs that. It can recenter them or maybe even lead to a journey of discovery. Problem for me is I've already been on a few of those, some less fun than others. The less said about the RiIP, the better. 

You can see why I find this whole thing off kilter, yeah? Asking for help from someone that probably needs some herself? Bold strategy, Cotton. But ya know what? Between that pride event last month and you coming to me, I'm starting to feel that fire in my heart again. It never went out, I can promise you that. Definitely started to flicker a bit, though. You pile enough stuff on a person, no matter how tough they are, it'll start to wear them down. 

But like I said, this fire is starting to burn hot again. A beautiful pink flame, engulfing my problems and turning them to ash. Couple of these problems might take longer to burn, but hey… Fire only gets stronger when it's got a fuel source, right? Ain't lackin’ none of that right now, both positive and negative. 

So if you're worried you won't get my best cuz I don't hate ya or some shit, put that fear to bed. I'd argue I'm at my best when I'm fighting for someone else. Gonna be a bit awkward simultaneously fighting for and AGAINST the same person, but shit, I kinda like a challenge! Think I made that clear with my stips for the Lockout Championship.

Learning by example. That's what this’ll be. I think it's pretty boss that you want the fans on your side. I saw it in your eyes, dude. Those weren't just words, it was genuine. Buuuuut this first lesson is gonna kinda suck for you, fair warning. I said to Kohime about my match with Rose that she was fighting more than me. I dunno if I can say I have unanimous fan support here in PRIME, but I'm pretty fuckin’ sure I got a vast majority. We'll do a poll, cuz everyone knows how trustworthy those can be! 

You're gonna get boos in this match, Seán. I ain't sayin’ that to flex or to be a bitch. It's the truth right now. Shit, look at how things went for ol’ Lizard Boy over in Europe. They loved that weird ass over there, even when most people back in North America couldn't stand him! Things can change, so I'm hoping you don't get too discouraged when those people lose their shit for me. You're a talented, experienced dude. Gonna have to feel some pain before we get to the pleasure.

The reaction ain't all you gotta worry about. You know how it is that I've found some measure of success in PRIME, despite looking more like an alt lingerie model than a pro wrestler? It's cuz I'm resilient as hell! I ain't a headshot type o’ zombie, I'm a Return-of-the-Living-Dead-you-better-just-incinerate-my-ass-if-you're-gonna-survive type o’ zombie! Yeah, Kerry Kuroyama put me down. But I'm back up. And I'm not done. Not even close!

Don't take none of this personal, Seán. Just keep an open mind and learn. And have some ice packs handy.